Begin again

I wish I knew a perfect way to start this, but sadly that isn’t the case today.

I really miss having a creative outlet, something I never knew I needed until four years ago. I never saw myself as a “creative” person growing up. Growing up, sports were more of my thing. I was awful at drawing or any other arts and craft activity, therefore I assumed that creativity wasn’t something I was born with.

I developed a love for creative writing in my first creative writing course during my senior year in college, yes it was late in life but it was the first real opportunity I had to explore that world.

I’ve told this story a million times before but I had started blogs off and on in the past but deleted them in fear of someone finding them. It wasn’t until late October of 2016 after my son Ian was born and my best friend inspired me with her blog that I had decided to start something I had wanted to do for so long.

I now sit here after four years of having this blog and 103 (now 104) published blog posts all about my life, wondering how to start again.

Back in December 2018 I had this strong desire to complete my biggest life goal, and that was to write my very first book. I decided to step away from my blog and focus all of my energy on my book. I was able to finish writing the rough draft of my book in June, and get it out to the public in December of 2019. After finishing my book I was left completely drained and had nothing left in my tank of stories and lessons.

I wrote two blog posts in 2019 while I was writing my book, and have written three blog posts so far this year. The flame I had for writing had gone out, and I found myself not wanting to get it back.

I know that happens to everyone, you have this passion in life and one day it almost disappears. Especially in 2020, nothing is off limits. It’s common to get comfortable with being content with where you’re at in life, it’s common to not want want to put effort into anything except those things that you have to. Your once creative outlet or passion you once had in life is gone because you let the flame go out with no desire to start it back up.

I’ve been searching for a creative outlet since this time last year wanting to share my thoughts with the world once again, but could never find anything that felt right.

My husband has always been extremely supportive with any crazy ideas of goals that I have. I’ve expressed this concern with him recently and he always brings me back to my blog. He understands how passionate I was about it and how much effort I put into it. He knew that it was a great outlet for me when I was just writing what I wanted and not focusing on what I thought other people wanted to read.

Since taking an unofficial break from blogging my life has changed in a relatively drastic way. I decided to start a journey I swore I would never do and that was to get my Masters degree. I never saw myself pursuing higher education than necessary because I never had a dream career that required more education. Until some tough events with people close to me brought me to realize that I had a love for helping others.

In January of 2020 I started my Masters of Education in School Counseling degree with plans to finish by June of 2023. I also as of recently, began a new career as a middle school counselor at a local middle school. Leaving a school that I absolutely loved and felt so comfortable at was pretty hard to say the least and terrifying at times, but starting a new career that I am extremely passionate about overtook the fear of the unknown.

Life has been crazy and completely unexpected this year for me, and for everyone I know, in true 2020 fashion. If you would have told me at the beginning of this year I would be going back to school and switching careers I would not have believed you. I had other goals and none of them really consisted of growing professionally. I call it maturity but you can call it adulting, maybe they’re the same thing.

I guess that brings me back to this post, and my blog as a whole. It’s something that is so special to me and something that I’ve worked hard to create. I’ve grown as a person, mom, friend, and wife since having this blog. I have grown to be more self aware and even began repairing a friendship that wasn’t as strong as it should have been. I have also met people through this outlet who I have an insane amount of things in common with. Beyond Twenty Something was a big part of my life for four years, and I look forward to keeping it that way for the years to come.

Take this as my official pledge to begin blogging again. To not trying to do too much at once, and to focus my heart and soul on this corner of the internet that I’ve created. To continue to grow my favorite little creative outlet and to share it with as many people as I can.

I plan on posting once a week and changing the types of posts that I do. Don’t worry, if you like my oversharing life stories, I will for sure keep those ups. I just also want to tackle things that other people struggle with and fun pieces that aren’t super serious and can open up fun conversations.

So thank you for sticking around for this entire post or for the four years of this blog. I am excited for the next journey in blogging.

Sunshine and anxiety

 

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I haven’t talked about my anxiety much on my blog. I wrote about it in my book I published this last December but I haven’t written about it publicly on my blog.

I have anxiety, something I always kind of figured I had but didn’t want to ever try and get help for. It wasn’t until February of last year when it got really bad that I decided to try and talk to someone and get help.

I’m definitely not 100 percent but I’m so much better than when I started my journey to get better.

Lately I’ve been working overtime to battle my anxiety.

With everything going on in the world it’s really challenging to fight the negative thoughts in your mind.

When school first got cancelled for two weeks and our track season was put on hold I was devastated to say the least. I was completely crushed for my athletes and a losing a part of my life that I loved so much for a few weeks.

I had so many negative thoughts literally trying to force their way into my mind. It was such a strange feeling. Negative thoughts in mind while my heart was trying to tell myself to be positive.

I now find myself sitting in a position where I’m hanging on the edge of my seat waiting to see if our track season can continue and my life can start getting back to normal, and I genuinely believe that it will and that we will get a small bit of a track season in the end.

I’m not just saying that, and I may be one of the few people with positive thoughts left but it’s completely true.

It’s hard to truly believe something in your heart when your anxiety is trying to fight back with negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’m having this internal battle that my mind is working overtime to beat.

I’ve been doing pretty good considering the circumstances. I am able to continue my grad school work, work for my job, workout, and care for my amazing family.

But today I was struggling.

I was a little yesterday too.

Not completely sure why I found myself with this awful headache and bad thoughts.

In the midst of my work this morning I found it trying to sneak it’s way back in, I decided to sweat it out.

Not like I normally do however, I wanted to take it outside.

I have these giant doors leading to the backyard in my bedroom. I could see the bright blue sky and sun shining bright, something took over and told me to do my workout in the backyard.

I ran outside with my spotify playlist, workout mat, and dog to get started.

I was having a great workout and sweating my face off.

I had all these thoughts like “see Megan all you needed was your workout” and “fresh air fixes everything.”

At the end I decided to stretch like I usually do, except afterwards I was drawn to lay down on my mat.

I found this little pocket of sunshine and found it hitting my face.

I continued to lay there with the warm sun on my face and nothing but the music in my ear with thoughts running through my mind.

It felt like the montage at the climactic point in a movie.

All of a sudden I saw my college track days of running down the track in the heat with my best friend.

I saw myself laughing on the sidelines with my hurdlers.

I saw myself running down the country roads near my old house.

I saw track meets and smiles.

The wind picked up and ran across my face and I actually smiled.

I’m not making that up to sound cheesy it actually happened.

Happiness came over me in that moment as I remembered what sunshine around this time of year usually meant. I was almost brought to tears with pure joy.

In that moment I remembered that I absolutely love the sunshine and sweat running down my face. I love feeling hotter than it actually was outside.

My intentions aren’t to flood you with positivity and messages of “appreciate your life and what you have now compared to others.”

My intentions are to remind you that negative thoughts are ok.

Trying to beat them is ok.

Smiling your face off while dancing to Dua Lipa in the backyard during your workout us ok.

I felt selfish for a moment. Why was I enjoying myself and smiling while some people are scared and worried, but I was reminded that it was ok.

All sorts of emotions are ok in a time like this.

You can be scared, nervous, happy, sad, anxious, excited.

Literally, it’s all ok.

This post was brought to you by sunshine and anxiety.