I quit.

 

I’m quitting.

You may care.

Or you may not.

But I’ve decided to quit blogging.

Sort of.

It was one of my resolutions for 2018 to start my book.

I’ve talked about it a handful of times on this blog.

But it’s my biggest life goal.

(Besides visiting every major league baseball stadium)

This whole “Blog to 2019” challenge felt very forced this year.

That should have been my first sign.

I had trouble coming up with blog post ideas.

And when I did, I didn’t want to do any of the ones I came up with.

Except the ones that were posted so far.

Those were all special to me and I wanted to do them.

They weren’t supposed to go up until later this month, but I wanted to write them.

I made a decision to follow through and post those ones but quit after.

And that’s what this post is.

It’s my notice that I’m quitting.

I interviewed my grandma last week.

When I asked her what she wanted from me in life, she said she wanted me to write my book.

It hit me.

Hard.

Despite what I want to think, my grandparents won’t be around forever.

And if she wants me to write this book.

I’m writing this book.

So she can read it.

I’ve had one idea in my mind for awhile.

Then another.

And a third idea.

I never told anyone those ideas.

When interviewing my grandma I mentioned that I had a few ideas floating around and she said something that I’m not going to repeat.

She said something that gave me my final idea.

She inspired the theme of this book.

And I won’t tell anyone.

No one knows except me.

And it’s going to stay that way until it’s done.

If she remembers what she said, my grandma might know too.

I’m going to be stopping this blog challenge early to write my book.

I’ll keep writing for my blog.

But they’re going to be monthly book writing updates.

That’s about it.

I have a strict timeline in my mind and I have to get to work.

Sorry if I let anyone down.

If anyone cares.

But it’s whats going to happen.

I’ve made a “word” for the year.

A word that I’m going to live by, and a word that’s going to help me reach my goals.

And that word is pursue.

I’m going to be 30 in a little more than a year.

And that’s crazy to me.

I only have one more year of being a twenty something and I need to make it count.

This blog made me so comfortable with writing.

It made me never want to stop.

I can’t believe that people like reading it and care enough to keep reading it.

I hope you’ll read my book too.

I’ll update everyone on here as my book comes.

This blog won’t go away, it’ll just be taking a mini vacation.

I don’t want to completely disappear from it without an explanation.

So here it is.

I’m quitting my blog to pursue my dreams.

Bye for now. ❤

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Blog to 2019 Day 2: How to be unapologetically yourself?

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How to be unapologetically yourself?

By far one of the toughest questions I’ve ever been asked.

By someone who I really admire.

I asked people on Instagram the other week if they had any advice for me.

This was the first question I got.

It definitely left my puzzled.

What does it even mean, to be unapologetically yourself?

And do I somehow reflect that to others?

That I am truly unapologetically myself?

Because I wasn’t sure if I was.

I literally question everything.

I doubt myself.

And I wouldn’t say I’m confident.

Far from it, and that’s been a struggle since I was 17.

But I own that.

I own these faults.

I own my mistakes

Because they make me who I am.

Those times I chased down love that didn’t exist.

The times I followed others hoping it would lead me to myself.

Everything I’ve done in life made me who I am right now.

Every scar.

Broken heart.

Mistake.

Has formed the person who I see every morning in the mirror.

And I love her so much.

She’s been through some tough shit.

But she knows how to own it.

You kind of just have to accept it.

Accept those things that you think are flaws.

Those are you.

Because guess what?

We all have them.

Maybe some worse than others.

But we’re all messed up.

We just live in this weird time.

A time that our parents didn’t have to grow up in.

Where all you have to do is pull up Instagram or Facebook and instantly lose self esteem.

People are going to try and tell you that they’re life is perfect.

And it’ll leave you questioning yours.

You might not realize it but it totally does.

Here’s a secret.

None of us have perfect lives.

Why waste your time being so worried about having everything perfect? Or worried about how others perceive you?

My dad never sugar coated things for me as a kid, and I will forever be grateful for that.

I take so much of that into my own life.

Why sugar coat who we are?

Why say that we’re happy and fake these perfect smiles when we’re having a bad day?

Embrace the mess.

Embrace the shit.

Embrace the “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing” because that’s you.

That’s where you learn who you really are.

If you’re going through a hard time, take it and run with it.

Don’t shut it down.

Don’t cover it up with filters and happy Instagram captions.

Embrace it.

Because that’s what life is.

It’s about making mistakes and learning from them.

Having broken hearts so that you can learn how to put it back together.

Feeling like you’re completely at rock bottom so that the top feels that much better.

It’s ok to be broken.

It’s ok to be messy.

Nothing’s wrong with that.

Feel that pain.

Really feel it.

Take it and remember everything about it.

So that when it’s gone, you take something from it.

And in the end you can look at yourself and your life and be happy with it.

Even if there are faults in it.

Because there will be.

There always will be.

But you can’t question yourself because of it.

It’s your story.

At times it may be tragic.

It might leave you not wanting to finish it.

You may slam the book shut and refuse to except how it’s going.

But don’t do that.

Pick it back up.

Keep going.

Stay strong.

Because there’s a happy ending.

You just have to wait for it.

It’s easy to look at the lives of others and wonder how they do it.

How they clearly seem to be living this perfect life.

Or how to seem to be completely themselves.

Just know, they struggle too.

And it’s ok.

I think in order to be unapologetically ourselves, we have to accept that.

That were not going to be perfect.

That not every picture is going to be Instagram worthy.

That some days you’re going to cry three separate times before noon.

You wonder if you’re doing a good job.

If you’re going to be okay.

And you will.

Just take every little thing about your life and accept it.

Stop living life for the acceptance of others and live it for the acceptance of yourself.

Do it to make yourself happy.

Do it in spite of everything that’s hurt you.

Everything that’s tried to break you.

Just be yourself.

Be that person who gets too emotionally involved in things.

Who loves love.

That person who has gone through so much and is better because of it.

Once you start embracing the beautiful mess that you are, you’ll really surprise yourself.

Hope that helps. ❤

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Blog to 2019 Day 1: Introduction

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I cannot believe it’s that time of year again.

Actually I can.

I start counting down to Christmas in September.

I can believe it’s that time and let me tell you..

I

AM

PUMPED.

I live for the Christmas time.

For the peppermint flavored everything.

And Elf all over TV.

For Christmas music on the radio.

And lights on everything.

This is my time.

It wasn’t until the middle of December last year when I was trying to think of a blog post to write.

I had this idea to write a blog post every day leading up to the new year.

To challenge myself and force something out of me.

To get myself out of my comfort zone.

I’m all about that life.

Not all about being out of my comfort zone, to clarify.

But trying to get out of my comfort zone.

There’s a difference.

That challenge was so fun for me.

So obviously I had to do it again.

I’ve just had the hardest time coming up with what to write.

I wanted to prepare a list before I actually started writing.

I brainstormed.

Checked Pinterest.

Asked people for help.

And originally decided on 31 ideas.

Most of them were not me.

I could have written them, but they weren’t me.

They would have been fake.

To try and fit some “blogger” model and I don’t want to be someone else.

I want to be me, it sounds more fun.

I want to write.

To feel.

To express myself and not try to be someone I’m not.

The ideas that I have this year are like last year.

Me.

Not someone else.

Not to get ahead of myself, but I think that’s important.

To be you.

Not some person that you think you should be.

Or that others want to see.

These posts will be me.

They will be whatever I want.

So thank you.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read what I write.

It means so much to me that people read it, let alone like it.

If this is the first time you’re reading something I’ve written, thank you as well.

I hope you stick around.

I appreciate you reading my posts and appreciating me for who I am.

Below I have 10 random facts about me for your reading pleasure.

I hope you enjoy this years blogging challenge, Blog to 2019.

10 Random Facts.

1. I strongly believe that Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is better than the original Home Alone.

2. I cannot swim.

3. I would love to be a contestant on The Wheel of Fortune..that show is my JAM.

4. If you asked what my favorite movie is I’d say Shawshank Redemption, but it’s really Step Brothers. **if you get this friends reference high five to you**

5. My favorite type of dessert is a warm brownie.

6. I know an insane amount of song lyrics.

7. I’m a very type A personality, just call me Monica Geller.

8. My Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw…Gryffindor’s are overrated.

9. I love re-watching shows on Netflix. It takes a lot for me to try something new. Definitely a creature of habit.

10. I still believe in Santa Claus.

 

Do something that scares you.

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They always say to do something that scares you.

To live outside of your comfort zone.

That you’ll be better for it.

Well I hate to break it to you, but it’s true.

You don’t need to do it all of the time.

You’ll be just fine if you spend most of your time your comfort zone.

That’s okay.

But if you want to grow, you need to get outside of it every once and a while.

Do something that makes you uncomfortable.

Do something that scares you.

If you know me well, you know that I hate flying.

My stomach turns as I’m approaching the airport.

I get nervous at any sign of turbulence.

There’s just so much that gets to me.

I hate it.

I’ve gotten better, but it still makes me nervous.

I put myself in a situation to fight this fear on Friday.

My best friend lives in Missouri, and I haven’t seen her in a year in a half.

I talk to her here and there but we haven’t gotten to spend time together in quite some time.

I found myself really missing her this last spring, and with some push from my husband, decided to fight one of my biggest fears to go and see her.

Flying by myself.

Just the thought of it made me so incredibly nervous.

We all have fears in life, and this is one of my biggest.

I looked for the only nonstop flights that were available, and booked my tickets as fast as I could.

For the fear of doubting my decision.

I put if off in my mind.

I let the excitement of seeing my best friend outweigh the thought of flying by myself for the first time in my life.

The more I didn’t think about it, the faster the day approached.

I packed my suitcase and tried to leave behind every worry I had.

Saying goodbye to my husband and son was hard, I tried to fight back tears as they left.

I felt a certain sense of accomplishment as I made it through the security line, it meant I had moved one step closer.

I sat in silence waiting for our plane to board.

The fact that we boarded 20 minutes late didn’t help my nerves, but meeting a nice family in line to board did.

I snagged the first window seat I could find and was joined by two super nice people.

There were only a few minutes between sitting down and the plane taking off, that seemed to help.

The woman who sat down next to me could tell that I was nervous, she kept asking me questions and talking to me as we took off.

Her genuine kindness made me forget about what I was afraid of.

Once I popped in my headphones and turned on 13 going on 30, I kind of forgot about everything.

It was such a smooth flight.

I looked out the window as often as I could, in awe of what I was doing.

I couldn’t believe that I was up in the air, by myself, doing the one thing that scares me the most.

The smooth flight was almost a sign.

A sign that I didn’t need to worry.

After a little more than three hours, we landed in St. Louis Missouri.

I was over 2000 miles from home.

I walked out of the terminal with so much pride in myself.

And I was reminded of why I did it when I saw my best friends car approach me outside of the airport.

I got to have such a fantastic weekend with my best friend in a brand new state.

I touched the St. Louis Arch.

I went a baseball game and crossed a 5th stadium off my list.

Most importantly, I got to take a peek into her world.

See where she has called home for two and a half years.

It was one of the best trips and I’m so incredibly thankful that I went.

That’s what happens when you step outside of your comfort zone.

You get rewarded.

You learn a little more about yourself.

Cross items off of your bucket list.

Make memories.

And face your fears.

You won’t overcome your fears unless you do those things that scare you.

I was so happy when our plane landed in Portland yesterday.

I’d be lying if I said that it was a good flight.

It sucked honestly.

But it didn’t matter.

I had done it.

I had done the one thing that scared me the most.

I flew across the country by myself.

And had such an amazing time.

So remember.

When they tell you to do the things that scare you.

Do them.

You won’t regret it.

be yourself.

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“In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.”

Have you heard this quote before?

I’ve heard it around and never really payed attention to  it.

It never made sense to me.

Obviously you’d want to be yourself, why wouldn’t you want to be anything but?

We all want to be ourselves and don’t think were being anything different.

I think it just kind of happens.

You’re watching television.

Scrolling through Instagram.

Looking at random ads on Facebook.

And it happens.

You get this idea.

That you’re life needs to be that way.

That if you act a certain way, you’ll get this certain outcome.

We all do it.

Sometimes we don’t even realize it.

And sometimes we do.

If we just pretend to like what everyone else likes, we’ll fit right in.

Or if we act a certain way on Instagram we’ll just become that in real life.

We just copy others and boom, our lives will be perfect.

Instead of being original.

Maybe if we always post selfies of us smiling, happy quotes, or pictures of us on great adventures, then we’ll have this awesome life.

We’ll become these happy people who are living these big lives.

But you never see what’s behind the pictures.

What’s behind people telling you that their life is perfect and they’re always happy.

You never see the struggles, tears, or doubt that we all go through.

You always see the good and never the bad.

Want to know why?

Instagram is just a highlight reel.

It’s not always real life.

You only see the good.

That’s what it’s for.

Everyone doesn’t have the perfect life with that perfect latte and perfect post workout glow.

Life’s perfect sometimes, but it’s also messy.

And that’s what makes it perfect.

Were surrounded by all of these different messages.

You’re not pretty enough, buy this product for perfect glowing skin.

You’re not fit enough, you need to do this workout.

You’re not happy enough, you need this in your life.

We literally have people asking if we want to be amazing, confident, and happy, then why don’t we do exactly what they’re doing.

That is what’s wrong.

Why would be happier, more confident, and more amazing being just like someone else.

Just like everyone else.

What’s wrong with us and the way were living our own life.

All of a sudden you’re worrying about why you aren’t as fit, happy, healthy, and perfect like the people on Instagram and television.

Because they’re telling you that you’re less than perfect.

That might sound harsh, but it’s the truth.

Think about it.

You’re constantly being told that you need to do more and be better.

That the current version of you might be good, but it’s not good enough.

Not as good as them and their life.

That you’re not good enough the way you are.

That’s whats happening.

Were surrounded by people telling us that somethings wrong with us.

Therefore we sit and worry.

We must not be happy, healthy, and perfect.

That were not good enough.

It’s this cycle that repeats itself if were not careful.

It’ll just keep happening.

We’ll just keep trying to make our lives look a certain way.

We’ll just keep pretending to be like everyone else.

Because that’s what were told to do.

That’s what were forced to believe.

That were not happy unless we post positive quotes and force a cheesy smile.

That were not fit enough unless we do the same workout that everyone else is doing.

That our life’s not good enough, because it’s not like theirs.

You just have to know what to look for.

If something makes you feel bad.

Makes you feel anything less than happy.

Don’t let it.

Say no to it.

Unfollow it.

Say out loud if you need to that it’s not going to make you unhappy anymore.

Be confident in your life and the choices you make to know that you’re good enough the way you are.

You can change, you can do things differently, but it needs to be because you want to.

Not because someone is telling you to.

Be happy the way you are.

Be happy with your life.

Be happy being yourself.

I have this card from my best friend pinned above my desk, and my favorite part of it is the last line.

“Keep being you, the girl who sings in the car, loves Grey’s, runs for sanity, and loves her family.”

Instead of surrounding yourself with images of people telling you that you’re not good enough.

Surround yourself with people who know you.

Who support you.

And who love you for who you are.

People who don’t want you to change.

Know that you’re good enough just the way you are.

And that you don’t need to be just like everyone else.

You don’t need to act a certain way to impress others or convince yourself that you’re a certain way.

You just need to be yourself.

And try not to worry about what other people are doing.

They’ll try and tell you that you’re not good enough the way you are.

That you need to be a certain way, or be just like them to be happy.

But they’re wrong.

The key to being happy.

Is being yourself.

Envious.

We’re all guilty of being envious, whether we realize it or not.

You could see someones brand new car and wish that you weren’t stuck with your Toyota corolla from the 90’s.

A girl could walk by with these brand new designer shoes and you wish that you could afford shoes like that.

You could even be envious of someones well behaved child while yours throws a fit in Target.

It’s not something that you should be ashamed of.

We all do it.

Sometimes without even realizing it.

I was having a conversation with one of my athletes a couple of weeks ago.

For some reason we were talking about my brother and I brought up his tattoos.

That he just thinks of a funny idea and gets it.

I told him that I envied how he could just do that.

Not obsess and overthink, but just decide that he wants to do something and do it.

He  responded with “You say that a lot, that you envy him. You always say I envy how he can just do things, why don’t you just do it.”

He had an excellent point.

I do that.

Way more than I realize.

My little brother is a wonderful example of just doing things because he wants to.

Getting tattoos.

Going to Hawaii to visit his friend.

Wearing whatever clothes he wants because he thinks they’re cool.

He literally does whatever he wants and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.

I know what you’re thinking.

Megan that’s easy.

Just decide that you want to do something and go do it.

But if you’ve been reading my blog for a little while then you know that’s something I just can’t do.

I can’t make a decision quickly.

I can’t think about weekend plans without obsessing over every little detail.

I can’t even make major life decisions without consulting with someone else.

That’s just how I am.

I’m wired to think about every little detail of every decision.

I don’t hate it.

But it’s not my favorite thing about myself.

Sometimes I like planning things out.

I like having complete control of what happens when and how it happens.

But on that same note, when I don’t have control I go crazy inside.

Think of Joyce Byers in season one of stranger things.

Okay, not that crazy but you get the idea.

Believe it or not, I’ve been trying to practice the art of letting things go.

I’ve tried to practice the art of stopping and breathing before I start to obsess over something.

Does it work all the time?

No.

But it works sometimes.

Being aware of a bad habit of mine, and making a conscious effort to fix it.

I think it’s important to look at ourselves and the things we know we could work on.

What’s one thing you do, that you wish you wouldn’t?

One thing you wish you could start doing?

Or one thing you wish you could do better or quit doing all together.

I think as humans we want other people to think that we’re perfect in every aspect of our lives, or at least what others see.

We don’t want anyone to think that we have a bad habit or trait.

We want them to think that we have perfect tempers, always tell the truth, or that we’re always easy going.

That our life is 100 percent put together all the time.

When we all know that’s not the case.

Instead of really reflecting on ourselves and what we can do better, we just pretend to have it all together for the sake of other people.

I think I’m too worried about looking like the control freak that I am, that I just keep it all bundled up instead of trying to fix it.

It makes me envious of others who can just do things.

Who don’t have to think before they do even the smallest of things.

And instead of fixing these things, I just spend my days envious of people who can do as they please.

We all do this.

Spend time being envious versus actually fixing the problem.

Whether you think you do or not, you probably do.

Instead of taking that risk, we sit and watch others accomplish our goals.

When I was younger, for the most part, I would have told you that I could make even my wildest dreams come true.

The President of the United states..

A reporter..

Public Relations manager for the LA Dodgers..

A Lawyer..

You name it, I wanted to do it.

It’s funny actually..

The older I got the more I doubted myself.

I still have dreams, they’ve just downsized a bit.

But I still have those big ones.

The ones that have stayed around while the others called it quits.

The ones that seem so big, that they scare you a little.

You’re never too old for those ones.

Instead of spending my days being envious of others who can do these things that I dream of, I’ve decided to just do it.

Regardless of time.

Negative thoughts.

Fear of rejection and the unknown.

I’m just going to do it.

I’ve wasted too much time sitting and admiring people who are accomplishing my goals.

Who are working hard and putting in the effort towards that one thing they want to do.

Who can just be free of the worries of their peers and what they might think.

They might laugh.

They might judge.

They might say your ideas are dumb.

But that’s their problem.

Not yours.

You have dreams to reach.

 

 

 

 

That time I started to believe in myself.

Let’s go back to 2008 shall we?

I was 18 and about to compete in my 3000 meter run at the district track meet.

Ya see..I was fast.

My freshman year in high school I was one of the fastest freshman in our district, not to mention one of the fastest overall for distance running in my town.

Sophomore year I surprised myself.

I got second at our district meet in the 3000 when I came in ranked in the bottom half of the top ten.

I got to go to the state track meet as a sophomore which was a big deal.

Junior year I was awful.

I’m just going to say it.

I went from running an 11:02 in the 3000 to an 11:37 the very next year, from 2nd place to 7th at the district meet in one years time.

I wasn’t myself.

I spent most of my time with someone who told me I wasn’t that good.

That my sister was better than me.

That track was a waste of time.

That I wasn’t going to go to college for it so why try.

I started to believe all of those things.

I made excuses.

I gave up.

I didn’t believe in myself.

But lets not dwell too much on that, that person isn’t worth any more words on this post.

It wasn’t until the summer of 2007 when I got rid of that person in my life and decided to get myself back.

I looked forward to every single practice.

I was motivated to be better.

I had a hard cross country season in the fall but arguably my best throughout my four years.

I worked my butt off to get back to where I was at the end of my sophomore year.

Back to when I was excited.

Eager.

Fierce.

I wanted nothing more than to find this girl and get her back.

To show her that she was the fire she needed to spark this desire to be better.

That winter was full of training, and so was the spring,  leading up to my last season of running for my high school.

I felt like I wanted it more than anyone.

That I had something to prove.

To show girls who laughed at me the previous year that I was back and better than ever.

Every 3000 meter race I had run that season was faster than any 3000 I ran the year before.

I would sit on the bus on the way to meets and close my eyes.

Picturing the exact moment where I threw my hands up in success after my win.

I could see the headlines, Everetts wins district title.

That’s how bad I wanted it.

I loved getting pumped up before meets, that’s when I discovered my love for rap music.

Lil’ Wayne to be exact.

I would completely zone out and lose myself in the music.

Never show it on the outside.

It became a ritual I would end up using the rest of my racing career.

I would look at myself in the mirror and repeat out loud, it’s mine, I can do it.

I had so much confidence as we neared the end of that track season, until the day finally came.

The day I dreamed about.

The district meet.

I was coming into the meet ranked third I believe, maybe second in the 3000.

My event.

There were three of us who were competing for that title, the rest of the pack was about 15-20 seconds behind us.

I remember shaking when I was putting on my bib number.

Not because I was nervous.

But because I wanted it.

So bad.

I stood on the starting line, my foot twitching like it always did.

I was ready to go.

Then the gun went off.

I ended up getting out to a quick start with one of the girls, we left the other one, and that was the last we saw of her.

We ran the first two laps of the seven and a half lap race toe to toe, and I had no intentions of letting her go.

It wasn’t until the 5th lap when we passed the crowd.

I knew there wasn’t much of the race left and one of us had to make a move.

I whispered to her, let’s do this, and we were off.

We were running faster than I ever thought possible.

Next thing I know it’s the final lap and I have the lead.

I can hear my family cheering.

My mom.

My dad.

My sister.

Everyone was screaming as loud as they could.

I was on the last 100 meter stretch.

I could hear my friends in the stands cheering.

I pushed myself as hard as I possibly could.

And in that moment I had it.

I threw my hands up over my head in complete disbelief.

It was mine.

That moment that I had dreamed of was mine.

I ran over to my sister and gave her the biggest hug imaginable.

I ran a 10:48 and won the district title, I was off to the state meet for a second time.

10:48 was almost a whole minute faster than the year before, and quite the improvement from seventh place.

I’ll never forget how happy I was in that moment.

What I had been working for all season, all four years of high school, was here.

It’s so crazy to me how you can manifest something so much that it becomes attainable.

That if you want something so badly, along with some hard work, you can achieve it.

That’s what I did that year.

I wanted it.

More than anything.

I thought about it.

Dreamed about it.

Pictured it.

That moment was all I thought about and it was mine.

That day I decided to believe in myself changed everything.

It allowed me to see my full potential.

To see that I was worth it.

That I could literally do anything that I wanted to do.

I can honestly say that was the moment.

The moment that I realized what I could do.

The moment I truly started to believe in myself.