Sunshine and anxiety

 

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I haven’t talked about my anxiety much on my blog. I wrote about it in my book I published this last December but I haven’t written about it publicly on my blog.

I have anxiety, something I always kind of figured I had but didn’t want to ever try and get help for. It wasn’t until February of last year when it got really bad that I decided to try and talk to someone and get help.

I’m definitely not 100 percent but I’m so much better than when I started my journey to get better.

Lately I’ve been working overtime to battle my anxiety.

With everything going on in the world it’s really challenging to fight the negative thoughts in your mind.

When school first got cancelled for two weeks and our track season was put on hold I was devastated to say the least. I was completely crushed for my athletes and a losing a part of my life that I loved so much for a few weeks.

I had so many negative thoughts literally trying to force their way into my mind. It was such a strange feeling. Negative thoughts in mind while my heart was trying to tell myself to be positive.

I now find myself sitting in a position where I’m hanging on the edge of my seat waiting to see if our track season can continue and my life can start getting back to normal, and I genuinely believe that it will and that we will get a small bit of a track season in the end.

I’m not just saying that, and I may be one of the few people with positive thoughts left but it’s completely true.

It’s hard to truly believe something in your heart when your anxiety is trying to fight back with negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’m having this internal battle that my mind is working overtime to beat.

I’ve been doing pretty good considering the circumstances. I am able to continue my grad school work, work for my job, workout, and care for my amazing family.

But today I was struggling.

I was a little yesterday too.

Not completely sure why I found myself with this awful headache and bad thoughts.

In the midst of my work this morning I found it trying to sneak it’s way back in, I decided to sweat it out.

Not like I normally do however, I wanted to take it outside.

I have these giant doors leading to the backyard in my bedroom. I could see the bright blue sky and sun shining bright, something took over and told me to do my workout in the backyard.

I ran outside with my spotify playlist, workout mat, and dog to get started.

I was having a great workout and sweating my face off.

I had all these thoughts like “see Megan all you needed was your workout” and “fresh air fixes everything.”

At the end I decided to stretch like I usually do, except afterwards I was drawn to lay down on my mat.

I found this little pocket of sunshine and found it hitting my face.

I continued to lay there with the warm sun on my face and nothing but the music in my ear with thoughts running through my mind.

It felt like the montage at the climactic point in a movie.

All of a sudden I saw my college track days of running down the track in the heat with my best friend.

I saw myself laughing on the sidelines with my hurdlers.

I saw myself running down the country roads near my old house.

I saw track meets and smiles.

The wind picked up and ran across my face and I actually smiled.

I’m not making that up to sound cheesy it actually happened.

Happiness came over me in that moment as I remembered what sunshine around this time of year usually meant. I was almost brought to tears with pure joy.

In that moment I remembered that I absolutely love the sunshine and sweat running down my face. I love feeling hotter than it actually was outside.

My intentions aren’t to flood you with positivity and messages of “appreciate your life and what you have now compared to others.”

My intentions are to remind you that negative thoughts are ok.

Trying to beat them is ok.

Smiling your face off while dancing to Dua Lipa in the backyard during your workout us ok.

I felt selfish for a moment. Why was I enjoying myself and smiling while some people are scared and worried, but I was reminded that it was ok.

All sorts of emotions are ok in a time like this.

You can be scared, nervous, happy, sad, anxious, excited.

Literally, it’s all ok.

This post was brought to you by sunshine and anxiety.

 

 

 

 

 

 

29 Going On 30

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Woah…she’s finally here.

My thirties.

HOLD THE FREAKIN PHONE

How did I turn 30?!

Yesterday I was 22 and had just graduated college?!

When did I turn 30?!

I’m only kidding, I’ve been working on processing the fact that I’m turning 30 since I turned 29.

I knew this year had to be the best one yet.

I knew I had to go out of my twenties with a bang.

And boy did I.

I wrote and published my firsts book ever all about the lessons I learned in my twenties, as I was leaving them.

It was a beautiful and amazing process, but what the heck do I do now?

Maybe you’re wondering too?

“Like, this girl just spent the last year of her twenties writing a book, what will she do next?”

I honestly had no idea.

Everything that I’ve done the last 10 years I did as a twenty something.

Met my best friend, graduated college, met my husband, got engaged, got married, had my son, got my first big kid job, landed my current job, started coaching, wrote a book, started a podcast, started this blog.

I’ve been living the last ten years to the best of my ability only to get to 30 and wonder, what do i do next?

I tend to want to go all out when I do things.

Like if I’m going to dedicate my time, energy, and heart into something I’m going to be as extra as I can and go as hard as I can to get it done.

It’s just how I roll.

I’ve been thinking of different things I could to this year to make it special.

To go into 30 my absolute best and happiest self.

I’m a part of this Facebook group for a podcast that I listen to, and someone told a story of a 50 year old woman they met in a yoga class.

They mentioned that the woman was killing it in class, and that they had to find out more about her.

This woman who had just turned 50 said she was doing 50 new things that year, and that yoga class was one of them!

To say that I was impressed would be an understatement.

This woman had just turned 50 and was going to start doing something new, and not just one thing, 50 new things.

I was so inspired.

If she could do it, so could I!

I grabbed my notes app on my phone and started writing things down.

Things that I’ve always wanted to do.

Things that would definitely push me out of my comfort zone.

And we all know how much I don’t like doing that..

I’m challenging myself to do 30 new things this year.

I’m excited to start this new decade of my life trying new things and potentially creating new habits.

It’s also going to inspire 30 different blog posts, all on the new things I’m trying.

So here it goes….

30 for 30.

Meditate every day for 30 days straight
Buy a plant and keep it alive
Bike 30 miles..stationary bike that is.
Listen to a new genre of music
Try a new cuisine
Watch a Woody Allen movie
Try a new restaurant
Go to a museum near me
Learn how to change a tire
Take a dance class
Watch a TV series I’ve never seen
Go wine tasting
Get a tarot card reading
Eat a BLT…don’t skip the tomatoes
Do Yoga every day for 30 days straight
Learn how to do a hand stand
Make a Tik Tok
Finally get my dream purple hair sorry Mom
Cook something new
Go a week without straightening my hair
Grow my own vegetables
Go a week without social media
Start actually saving money
Write in my journal every single day
Learn how to swim….finally
Travel some place new
Go a month without buying coffee
Attempt to crochet
Build something
Further my education

Cheers to 30 ❤

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I came in like a wrecking ball.

I am very type A.

I know I’ve mentioned it over and over again but that’s because it’s true.

Have you ever seen that episode of friends where everyone gives Monica a hard time about leaving a pair of shoes out? She lays in bed at night and can’t sleep because she wants nothing more than to move the shoes where they’re supposed to be.

She even considers moving them and getting up early before everyone else and moving them back?

Hi, hello, it’s me…I’m Monica.

I like to have everything figured out, planned out, and color coded. Some may say that I’m being a “control freak” but it honestly makes my soul so happy.

I’ll happily wear a “hello my name is control freak” name tag.

I came in real hot for the start of this year. I had wanted to do all of the things. Seriously.

There were so many things that I wanted to do and it was so overwhelming.

I even changed my word for the year because it was stressing me out. I had to admit that I was wrong and take a step back. I was forced to take just a few things to work on this year that were the most important to me.

You see..it’s okay to want to do so many things..but that stuff gets to me. My favorite quote is “you can do anything but not everything” and it hits home for me so hard.

I find myself getting caught up in this idea that I need to do A, B, and C…and D, E, F, and G for good measure. If I don’t do everything that I’ve set out to do, I am a failure.

It was January 1st and I was already stressed out from all of my goals this year.

I talked to my husband and told him I was overwhelmed, that I could already see myself just hating all of these things that I wanted to do so bad. He asked me what I wanted to do the most and to focus on those things.

So that’s what I decided to do.

I changed my word, made a new vision board, wrote out a new workout routine and set out to have the best year ever.

The first full week of 2020 was amazing. I had prepped these amazing lunches for work with the help of my dad and his amazing cooking skills, I was crushing my workouts, and I was going to bed after reading a chapter of a book. All things that made my heart happy.

I had even started to write down what I was thankful every morning. I purchased a journal and every morning as I drank my pre-workout I would write down what I was grateful for and my intention for the day.

I was seriously killing it.

Until Sunday January 12th happened.

I woke up with a sore throat and it progressed as the day came to a close. Monday morning rolled around and I had to call out sick for work, and for Tuesday as well. I tried to go in on Wednesday but only made it half of the day. I couldn’t even go in on Thursday. Friday finally came around and I was able to drag myself out of bed and go to work.

I was so frustrated.

I had let myself down.

The week before went so well! I was positive, motivated, and ready to crush anything that came my way.

So why was everything completely turned upside down the very next week?

I have only done a handful of workouts since getting sick, I haven’t read my book all but a few times, and I haven’t written in my gratitude journal since the day I got sick.

Why am I giving up?

Why do I have to force myself out of bed when just a couple of weeks ago I hopped out of bed ready for the day?

I have been feeling so off since I got sick, and I am at the point where I realize it and I’m not happy with it. I’m ready to be the version of me that started out the new year strong.

Whenever I’m feeling off I read some of my best friends old blog posts. I can’t explain why, but they make me remember why I started writing. They remind me that I use to just write to write. That I wasn’t trying to make a post that people would “want” to read. That I wasn’t trying to come up with fluff pieces because that’s what everyone else was doing. That I love writing because it’s my outlet, it brings me happiness. I want my blog to get back to that. To be my happy place.

I took this from my best friends blog today and I’m going to use it as motivation for the rest of the week.

This morning, I could have hit snooze. I could have rolled back over, spent my morning off cozy in bed without the worry of an alarm. This morning I chose love. I chose to get my butt out of bed, hit the yoga studio, then hit the trail for some miles before the sun came up. This morning, like many others I chose to start my day off with something I love. And I am happier because of it.

It’s crazy how something she wrote on February 15th 2017 can be so incredibly relevant to me now almost three years later.

So here I am saying I’m going to snap out of this funk and get back to being me. The me that I love and the me that gets stuff done.

As far as my blog goes? Expect more posts like this. More posts talking about things that I love, things that are hard, and me trying new things. I turn 30 this year, and I won’t do it quietly.

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My word.

Hey blog, long time no see!

It’s been quite some time since I wrote a blog post and updated anyone on anything.

I was a little busy chasing my dreams, dreams that I accomplished.

I wrote my book!

The one thing I set out for myself to do in 2019.

It was extremely time consuming and I would be lying if I said it was easy.

I definitely argued with myself numerous times over anything and everything. From the title of the book to trying to figure out how many pages I could get, it was so incredibly stressful.

I’ll save the book writing process for another blog post.

I wanted to hop back on because today is new years eve, and I love new years eve.

Setting goals for the new year, aspiring to do more, chasing after my dreams.

I love the fresh start.

If you go back to some of my earlier new year’s posts, you’ll see that I had resolutions.

I usually had 10 resolutions that I would make, and chances were things wouldn’t always work out.

I would spend some time working on one resolution and ignore the rest.

Or maybe I would put all of my energy on one resolution and do nothing with the others.

It wasn’t very balanced and the resolutions weren’t attainable as a whole.

I realized this when I made resolutions for 2018 and only went through with a couple of them. I ended the year disappointed and far from hopeful for the upcoming year.

It wasn’t until I had seen people coming up with words instead of resolutions that I gained a little bit of hope.

It was a different approach to something that I loved doing, so why not give it a shot?

I went after a word that would motivate me. A word that would push me outside of my comfort zone and to allow me to stop making excuses.

I had wanted to write a book for so long and I kept making excuses as to why I couldn’t do it.

Until 2019.

I decided that this was the year I was going to pursue my goals.

Pursue.

The word that helped guide me through 2019.

This word was stuck in my head all throughout the year.

This word was always at the forefront of everything I was doing.

From pursuing my book to pursuing help with my mental health.

2019 was my strongest year yet.

Yes, I doubted myself.

Yes, I went from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs.

I went after things that scared me and things that pushed me more than I ever thought possible.

I knew after just a couple of months into this year, that I was going to keep picking words for the year and not resolutions.

Not that anything’s wrong with resolutions, I think anything that pushes you to do more with your life is great.

I just found that words work better for me.

A simple word that kept me doing everything with an intention.

Whatever it was that I was doing, I was always pursuing more.

If something scared me or was going to make me uncomfortable, I reminded myself to pursue it.

No matter what happened this word was always there.

I decided to pick a word this year that would do the same thing.

A word that, no matter what, would remind me to do more.

A word that would push me outside of my comfort zone and remind me of my goals.

Create.

The goals I have this year are big, they scare me, but that’s a good thing.

The goals that I have can’t be accomplished until I create more.

I want to create more happy habits.

Create daily gratitude and intention habits.

Create my next book.

Create more around this blog and myself.

Create something that can help others.

Create.

This word will remind me to always do more when I feel like not doing anything.

To get outside of my comfort zone because good things can come from outside of it.

That I can do absolutely anything I want to do, regardless of the fear of judgments from others.

I always said growing up that I wasn’t creative. I just took it and went with it.

I don’t want that to be my excuse anymore. I want to take the things that scare me and run with them.

Do more with them.

I’m excited for this year.

I’m excited for my word.

I’m turning 30 this year, and I want to enter my thirties as the best version of myself.

I’m excited to see what this year brings.

My blog is officially back up and I have so many things on the horizon.

The podcast I started this year with my sister is going strong.

I’ll be starting my second book.

I’m creating a weekly newsletter for anyone who wants to participate in it.

I want to grow more and create more in every aspect of my life.

Make sure to stick around and join me for this journey.

The name of this blog is “Beyond Twenty Something” and I will continue to keep it as that.

Because I am so much more than a twenty something who’s entering the next decade in her life.

I am beyond twenty something.

30.

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2018 Resolutions Review

I’m posting my resolutions reflection post a little early this year.

You’ll find out why tomorrow.

For the last two years I’ve written New Years Resolutions and try my hardest to accomplish them.

I’ve found that writing them and putting them out into the universe holds me accountable.

It reminds me every day of the things I sat out to pursue for the upcoming year.

I made some tough ones last year, but worked so hard to try and make them happen.

2018 New Years Resolutions.

Run another half marathon– This one was hard. I trained my butt off. I worked hard all winter, spring, and summer. I really wanted to run this half marathon near Portland on the fourth of July. I started out so fast and was really pumped for the race. It wasn’t until mile 7 or so when I started getting dizzy. I really thought about quitting, and honestly, I probably should have. I finished along side some strangers who passed me along to my sister and husband to finish. I spent the next hour in a medical tent. It definitely wasn’t my favorite experience of the year, but it made me really appreciate how hard I worked. It made me realize that no matter how hard you try and prepare for something, it might not always work out. And that’s ok.

Take a road trip- I accomplished this one during March of this last year. My little family took a road trip to Seattle. We got a cute little house and spent the weekend exploring the city. It was so much fun and Ian did so well experiencing new things. It turned out that would be the first of three times I would visit Seattle this year, and I loved every single trip.

Watch 52 Movies- Ok…I suck at watching movies…we all know this now. It turns out that I don’t have as much time as I thought I did to watch 52 new movies. In fact, I think I might have only watched 20 or less. I definitely found some new favorites, but also found that there were others things I would rather be doing. Some of the ones I really enjoyed were; When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, Top Gun, and Dead Poets Society. My favorite though, was Shawshank Redemption, if you haven’t seen it you need to!

Work on my patience- This one is hard. How do you track ones patience? I’ve found that when I’m aware of what’s going on, I’m better with my patience. But in the heat of the moment I definitely air on the side of impatient.

Learn something new- Here’s where we get a little out there. This resolution kept nagging me all year. “Megan….you better be learning something new!” Honestly I kept trying to force myself to learn something and it never stuck. It’s when I randomly stumbled down a horoscope website that I started researching more and more into my horoscope. And not just that, different signs such as your moon and sun sign, along with your birth chart. In no way do I live by any of this, I just decided to start looking into it all and I think it’s insanely accurate and fascinating.

Daily Gratitude- If I had to grade myself on daily gratitude I’d give myself a C. I’m 50/50 when it comes to writing down things I’m thankful for. Not that I’m not grateful for things, I just have a hard time taking the time to write it all down.

Save Money- Again, I would give myself a C for this one. Did I save money? Kind of. Did I go crazy and buy random crap that I didn’t need? Not really.

Be Spontaneous- This one is the resolution that I’m the most proud of. I had been wanting to visit my best friend in Missouri since she moved a few years back. But you see..I hate flying. Just the thought of it terrifies me. I was having a bad couple of days and really just needed something good to happen. I texted my husband, looked at her work schedule, and next thing you know I’m booking a flight to St. Louis. Probably one of my top three moments of the year and one of my favorite decisions.

Start to write my book- See tomorrow’s post.

Don’t be so hard on myself- This will forever be a work in progress for me. I tend to be a people pleaser, and want to make everyone happy. I tend to be hard on myself if people aren’t happy with me. Which is so messed up if you think about it. Just because someone else has randomly decided that they are upset with me or don’t like me, unless I have done something wrong, that’s their issue not mine. This was a constant struggle all year and will be for awhile. But i’m trying.

2018 was a great. Just like the previous years.

But next year needs to be different.

Next year will be different.

It’s the year I turn 29.

The last year before 30.

It’s going to be a big one.

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The Best Relationship Advice.

I don’t think I ever went to my parents for relationship advice.

Okay, that’s a lie.

I remember asking them how to break up with someone once.

I would usually tell my mom when I liked someone but it was still hard for me.

I know I know..

Hard to imagine that my parents also dated growing up.

That they too had failed relationships that they learned from.

And a marriage that’s going to celebrate 30 years this month.

When asking for any advice to be answered on my blog this question came up.

Relationship advice.

Very broad but I was excited about the idea of it.

I have been in some failed relationships, and a very successful one for five and a half years now.

But I wasn’t fully convinced that I could give the best relationship advice.

I mean I can.

And I will.

But I know two people who could also give some pretty good relationship advice.

My parents were lucky.

They knew pretty soon into their relationship that they wanted to get married.

They were only 20 and 21 when they said “I do.”

And they’re still going strong 30 years later.

Are relationships easy?

No.

But my parents have shown me time and time again what love and a good family can look like and do for you.

I decided to ask them to come up with some relationship advice for my blog.

I thought it would be fun to get advice from a couple I admire.

So if you dread the idea of asking your parents for relationship advice, or want some words of wisdom from me and my awesome parents, keep reading.

Advice from my dad.

Marry your best friend.

Say “I love you as much as you can, every day.”

Laugh and have fun together.

Compliment each other as much as you can. 

Look forward and be excited to see your partner.

Laugh and cry together.

Advice from my mom.

Always say I love you when you leave for work, during the day, after work, and especially before bed.

Even if you don’t agree on something, always tell your partner you love them anyways.

Work as a team, especially with kids.

Communication.

Always listen.

Honesty.

Advice from me.

Laugh as much as you can with each other.

Be with someone you can’t imagine life without.

Never change who you are.

Love will come when you stop looking for it.

Make time for each other.

Say I love you before bed.

I’m going to end this with my favorite piece of advice from my mom.

It was from one of my first blog posts.

I was mad at the world after I got dumped by my college boyfriend.

I was so concerned with what could happen next.

With who would love me or if I would even find love.

My mom said to me, “Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself.”

And to this day it’s my favorite piece of advice.

The second you stop looking for love and spend time learning to love yourself.

It will come.

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Two years.

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Two years ago I decided to do something.

Something that I had done once or twice before.

Something that was both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

Sharing my feelings with the world one blog post at a time.

Without knowing it, my best friend inspired me to start this blog.

She inspires me to do a lot in life.

Thanks best friend.

I think of the girl who started this blog two years ago.

The new mother.

The wife.

The twenty six year girl, who despite what she thought, was really just starting to figure things out.

Crazy how that works huh?

You always think that you know everything at your current state in life.

When in reality, you’re always learning.

You’re always gaining these new experiences in life and meeting these new people.

You’re constantly growing.

You’re still making mistakes.

I thought I knew it all.

20 years old and I swore I knew what love was.

22 years and I thought a college degree meant that I knew everything.

24 years old and planning a wedding.

26 years old and becoming a new mother.

28 years old and finding out I have skin cancer.

Life absolutely blows my mind.

It’s beautiful really.

Just when you think you have it all figured out.

Just when you get comfortable.

Life comes up and gives you this curve ball.

It decides that you need to grow more.

That you’re doing just fine, but you could do better.

You could choose to dwell on it, or you could choose to do more.

You could choose to see it as an opportunity to grow.

You could choose to take it as a time to learn.

Even at 26 years old with a new baby boy I still thought that I knew it all.

Scrolling through my blog posts I can see so many examples of ways that I’ve grown.

I can see so many memories that make me smile from ear to ear.

So many new faces that were brought into my life that make it worth living.

I am so deeply in love with my life.

I’m so thankful for those heartbreaks I had growing up.

Those relationships that broke my heart in a million parts, helped me fall so madly in love with myself.

The millions of memories I have with my sister that could fill up an entire night sky.

The most loving and supportive parents a girl could ask for.

Those moments where I was so sad I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, make me remember why I pushed through the dark.

The five years of coaching the most hard working athletes. Seeing them at their lowest lows and their highest highs, makes me not able to even imagine them not in my life.

The moment I realized I loved Jason, the one moment that I was the most sure of anything in this entire world.

The moment I met my son and could feel my whole world coming together at once.

Life is so stunning.

It really truly is.

There are moments that will try to make you think differently.

They will try and change your mind.

With thoughts of self pity and sadness.

They will try and break you.

Don’t let them.

Remember why you’re still here.

Remember who you love and who loves you back.

Even if it’s just one person, it’s still love, and it’s still beautiful.

It still makes life worth living.

The love from one soul can change your life.

When I was younger I was so obsessed with the thought of love.

I thought the love from a boy would validate me as a person and would make me whole.

Little did I know that I had all of the love I ever needed right under my roof.

I saw this quote once that really stuck with me.

“Were all just walking each other home.”

In the end we all want the same thing.

We all want someone.

We all want love.

To make sure we feel comfort and protection.

To give us a hand to hold in the darkest of times.

To love with everything we have.

These two years of my blog are just a small portion of my life, a life that I am so in love with.

So thank you.

Thank you for reading my blog posts.

Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings with you.

Thank you for keeping up with my rambles fueled by LANY songs and coffee.

It fills up my heart knowing that you take a few minutes of your day to keep up with my thoughts.

Lets keep it going shall we?