You’re On Your Own Kid

Starting a blog post is the hardest part of writing one.

Where do I want this to go? Do I just want to write and see where it takes me? Do I have something I want to say?

Honestly most of the time I start a post one way and it takes a turn right in the middle

I really like when that happens in my writing.

Maybe that comes off as rambling or maybe it doesn’t make sense to the reader, but it makes sense in my mind and always ends up helping.

Some of the best things in my life have turned out that way.

Volunteering to help coach a cross country team, meets the head coach and falls for him, gets married two years later.

Starts a career as a high school registrar, takes a turn and decides to go back to school to become a school counselor.

Joins track and field at an early age swearing I’ll never run more than 800 meters, ends up running cross country for 10 plus years.

For someone that relates with Monica Geller on a spiritual level, chaos and I do not get along. I struggle with the unknown because I struggle with the fear of the unknown. I would much rather have a plan and even two backup plans than watch something take an unexpected turn.

Even though the best things in my life have happened when I wasn’t expecting them, I still have a hard time allowing them to happen.

Lately I’ve been really working on letting go of that worry and fear.

Part of letting it go is realizing where that fear started in the first place, and for me, it has always been there.

The fear started with the feeling of doing things by myself, I think it’s because I had someone built in to help me not feel alone.

I was so used to having someone with me that I created this idea that I needed someone by my side to try new things or to do scary things.

It’s hard for me when people can’t or don’t want to do things with me, it makes not want to try something new because I’m afraid of going by myself. I’m afraid of failing without someone I know by my side.

And I’ve always had someone by my side.

I went to every school growing up with my sister, and even college.

We worked our first job together and even shared a room until we were 25.

Doing things by myself was something that I didn’t really consider until I was married and moved out. It was never something I had to think about. We had our own lives as we got older but at the end of the day always came back to each other, I was never alone.

Some people might think it’s silly, but I truly loved doing everything with my sister. I was never scared because I had her. I knew if I ever messed up or looked stupid that she would be there to catch me if I fell.

And if I was doing something on my own, I needed validation and support from her. She was my rock; we were built the same, so I needed to know that she supported me or that she thought my ideas were good. Seeking guidance from others was something that I craved, it told me that I was making the right choice.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I found myself having to do things on my own, and it wasn’t until very recently that I began leaning into it in small ways that felt very big.

Going to run errands.

Getting tattoos.

Getting my nails done (except when my friend Amanda comes with me because we all have to start somewhere).

Going on runs when my running buddy isn’t away at college.

And trying a new workout class.

A couple of weeks ago I had an idea to try a new in person workout class. Something that I’ve always wanted to do but have been nervous to do by myself. I found myself having to decide, do it on my own or not do it at all because of this fear that I had.

I ended up booking my free trial class and gave myself a pep talk on the drive over.

I was in a room full of 36 people I did not know, doing something that I had never done before.  The feeling of wanting to try something new overtook the feeling of being afraid.

And I had the absolute best time.

I was in love with the workouts and the style of the class, but most importantly I was in love with the feeling of doing something on my own.

I was in love with the feeling that I tried something new all by myself and had the best time.

Since that first class, I get up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 4:15 am to be out the door and in my class at 5, and by 8:30 on the weekends. I have made friends in my classes and push myself to do more than I think I can, all because I made the choice to do something on my own.

This may be the smallest thing to others, but to me it’s huge. The reassurance that it will be ok if I take that chance.

That I can do things on my own.

I have always been a part of a duo, even after getting married I had a partner.

Who cares what I was doing or where I was, as long as someone was with me I wouldn’t fail.

This fear or failing or looking dumb by myself held me back from attempting things on my own. I was afraid that others would see me attempt something new or different and judge me or talk about me. If was with someone else it would be ok, because I had them.

I didn’t want to fail.

I didn’t want to be afraid.

I didn’t want others to talk.

Looking dumb is ok. Trying something new is ok. Because regardless of what you do, people are going to talk. It would be naive to sit here and tell you others won’t judge you becauee the truth is that yes, people will talk about you, they may even judge you.

But that’s on them and it’s something they need to figure out.

I have always thought these things, but it has taken me 33 years to actually accept them.

That it’s ok to fail.

That it’s ok to be afraid.

That it’s ok if others talk about me.

I spent so long not doing things by myself because I was afraid of what would happen.

Afraid of being by myself.

But at the ripe age of 34 I’ve come to enjoy the beauty of doing things alone.

Don’t get me wrong, spending a day with my husband and boys is always ideal, but personally I need time alone to just be with myself. And that’s ok.

I’ve learned to appreciate myself and all of the choices I’ve made in my life that have brought me to where I am.

I have really enjoyed getting to know myself more. Understanding my values and what I enjoy doing.

Appreciating the fact that I love showing my appreciation for others.

That I can be someone’s biggest cheerleader.

That I think about others needs before my own.

That I love early morning workouts, reading, and 80’s music on repeat.

It’s important to get to know ourselves and to do things on our own. It helps build that relationship.

In the words of Taylor Swift “you’re on your own kid, you always have been.”

✨a sprinkle of disappointment ✨

At the beginning of this year, I set a goal to run a half marathon.

And I failed.

I had been running in a way that I hadn’t come close to since college, I was reaching 12-mile-long runs, and taking care of myself.

Until injury hit mid-February, an injury that I ignored for a couple of weeks until it caused me to completely stop running all together. The half marathon that I signed up for came and went, and I ended up not running.

I wasn’t running consistent and still had pain in my leg, so I decided not to run.

I had to watch others run the race and excel, taking it personally when they did, a problem of my own doing.

I took some well needed time off and began to feel better in the summer. My dream of running the New York City Marathon was in my sight. After feeling strong during the summer, I headed into September hopefully, only to be sidelined at the end of the month by the same injury.

October rolled around and I sought out my first ever physical therapy appointment. It was the best thing that could have happened. For the first time ever, I was forced to slow down and fix my issues slowly as I started to strengthen my muscles that needed it. Slowing down is hard. Honestly, I hated it. I couldn’t walk from my car to my desk without pain. Every second of every day I was in pain, and yet the runners I follow on tik tok and Instagram were excelling in their own goals and running away with their dreams.

In November I signed up to run the New York City Marathon, only to back out two days later. It’s embarrassing, and I know those who have too much time on their hands will look down on me for it, but I wasn’t making the progress on my leg that I wanted and honestly it was causing me so much stress knowing I “had” to be better by a certain day.

I went into the year wanting to go all in with running, only to miss every race I wanted to do. As I struggled with my own disappointment, I watched others run more races than me, run faster than me, all seemingly pain free.

I left every physical therapy appointment annoyed that I couldn’t do the one thing I wanted to do, yet hopeful for the progress I was making. I watched myself grow more optimistic and hopeful than I had been while in some time.

Even though I am almost 34 years old, the message that I kept repeating to myself was one that I wish I would have known at 18, 20, or even 24. The message that my worth as a person and as a runner does not depend on what race I run or how fast I can run a mile during my “easy” runs. My worth does not change if I run outside or on a treadmill in my garage. My worth does not relate to how many miles I can run in a week or if I can even run at all.

I am so grateful for all the things that my body has done, being hard on it for not running as fast as others or being injured is not worth the pain and stress.

I did a lot more this year outside of the world of running that I am so incredibly proud of.

I am on my way to reading 40 books this year, double the number I had set for myself as a goal in January. The most I had ever read in a year before 2023 was six.

I saved money every month and because of that I was able to pay for family birthday presents and Christmas presents with that savings, which was a huge goal of mine.

I went through a really difficult time at work back in the spring and came out of it with the best job I have ever had at a place that makes me happy to come to work every morning.

I started a new role as a high school counselor and have gone into it asking questions, learning as much as I can, and gaining the confidence that I have always wanted.

I graduated with my master’s degree in June.

I went to the Eras tour with my mom and sister and had the best night of my life.

I was able to take an amazing Disney vacation with my family and my parents.

I got two new Taylor Swift tattoos.

I watched my son excel at his first team sport.

I got a cat, Barney Stinson, who we all love so much despite him being part dog and part psycho.

This year truly was one of the best despite a setback that I thought would ruin everything.

I have learned so much surrounding my worth as a runner and to not relate it to what others are doing. That my body is different, and just as amazing regardless of an injury or what someone else is doing.

I learned a valuable lesson this year, one that I never sought out to learn.

Things will happen outside of my control, whether it is a job switch or an injury, but my worth as a person does not depend on what happens to me, it’s how I respond to it.

I am going to continue to set goals around running, but those will begin once I am able to run without pain. I am going to continue to cheer for those who are able to run and achieve their goals, while not taking their success personally. I will not let the negative words of others affect me and change how I see myself.

Cheers to being hopeful about running again in 2024, but not making it everything. And if it happens, I’ll be excited, and if not, that will be ok. And that is called growth.

❤

Falling into place

I thought about something yesterday while I was working out. I thought about how my oldest would be starting Kindergarten in a day, and how quickly that time came.

I thought about a blog post I wrote back in the fall of 2016, all about reminiscing on the fall season and all that it brings.

I looked back on my time in college and early adulthood, and how in a few short years I would be dropping my son off to Kindergarten and crying in my car thinking about the days when he would be asleep on my chest.

Those days are here.

It was a nice cool September morning.

We gave Ian hugs and kisses across the street from his school, and told him to have the best day ever.

We waited for the crosswalk as we answered all of his eager questions about the day ahead.

Introduced him to the crossing guards, and pretended to run into each other along the way.

Each step filled with laughter and excitement.

Ian was so excited to walk up the stairs into the hallway that would eventually lead to his classroom.

We saw him take a seat and start playing with toys, uninterested in saying goodbye to us and more interested in doing his own things.

He’s a big boy now, as much as I didn’t want it to happen this quickly, it did.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

During those late night cuddles when he was just a couple of months old, I would have sworn time was moving as slow as it could. Yet here we are, time proving me wrong once again.

In a little more than a month we will be celebrating his 6th birthday, and in a few years we’ll be walking both Ian and Max into school and I will be in a very similar situation as the one I am in now..wishing time would slow down.

That’s how life works though, even though at times I wish it didn’t.

Things happen.

Time passes.

And we find ourselves in new seasons of life with new people.

It’s easy to sit back and think about how things used to be, but we have to be careful that we don’t stay there too long.

I love looking back on my life and reminiscing about different memories, but if I do it for too long I will forget to live in the moments I find myself in now.

The truth is, my life was great when I was 18 living away from home for the first time, and when I was 21 walking the streets of Monmouth with a peppermint coffee in hand on my way to my next class.

It was special at 23 walking through my neighborhood with my dad and our dog, just like it was in October of 2016 when my nights were longer than anything I had ever experienced.

It was special today, walking my son into kindergarten, just like it will be in a few years when we do the same with Max.

My life has been filled with special little moments, all of which I will hold very close to my heart until I get to add a new one.

I love my life, I truly do.

Every decision I have made has led me to where I am today.

The pieces of who I am, have delicately fallen into place.

All to lead me to today.

Yesterday while I was on my morning treadmill run, I was brought back to those early runs during my Sophomore year at Western.

The frost that would collect on my face during my morning miles.

How successful I felt knowing I had accomplished something before most people were even awake.

After my run, I sat on the floor to stretch while finishing my episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

I sat in awe of where I was at that very moment.

In my house with my husband and children.

A life I someday hoped for, as I was navigating the unknown.

I took off my running shoes, and greeted my family as I made my morning cup of coffee.

Life happens no matter what you’re doing.

Eventually it all falls into place.

❤

Opinions of others.

How much value do you put into the opinions of others?

It’s ok, I won’t tell, how much?

I would love to be the person that says “none.”

That can confidently say my happiness would never rely on the approval of others.

However, that would be a lie.

I have gotten better in terms of wearing something that is in fashion just to please others, or wearing lots of makeup because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do.

Throughout the last couple of years I have put little thought into superficial things like that.

If I want to read a book and others think I’m being lazy, I am going to sit and read.

If I need to get up at 4:30 in the morning to get my workout in for the day, and others think I am obsessive, who cares.

If I get made fun of for liking Taylor Swift, bring it on because she is my queen.

I am slightly embarrassed that it took roughly thirty years to get to that place but I am proud of myself for getting there.

It’s all part of life right? Learning lessons at your own pace?

That’s the point of this post today.

Have you seen those posts where someone says “I was today years old when..”

While I was today years old where I came to this realization that I am pretty freaking awesome.

I would have dropped the F bomb but my grandma reads these.

I was driving today listening to a Spotify curated playlist titled “Happy Mix” rocking out to steal my girl when the thought came to me.

You see, I’ve been struggling a little recently.

I have been working pretty hard for the approval of others. Maybe it’s not even approval but the acceptance.

I have been at the top of my game trying to feel good about myself and get to a place of happiness so that I would attract approval and acceptance.

Has anyone else done this?

I’m going to say yes to make myself feel better.

When I was driving home today rocking out to One Direction I was reminded of how much fun I am.

I remembered that I am funny, helpful, caring, passionate, and kind.

And if that isn’t what someone see’s in me, it’s not a me problem, it’s a them problem.

I thought that if I did all the right things for the approval of others then maybe I would have it.

When in reality, here I am trying so hard and I still don’t have it.

So why try so hard?

Why try so hard to make sure the world sees you as funny, caring, kind, and passionate.

When YOU know that YOU already are.

And if there are people in your life who love you and support you, then why do you need anything else.

My point is, why does the acceptance of others matter?

I see it at work and I’ve seen it in my own life.

Someone has made it clear that they don’t want you, and yet you work so hard to be appealing to them.

And they still don’t want you.

You work so hard to get their approval that you forget to give attention to those who love you for who you are.

Hold on to those people.

You want approval from those people, because they will love you no matter what.

They will stand in your corner and cheer you on.

You can trust that they see you as you see yourself, if not better.

If someone can’t see how special you are, please stop wasting your precious energy on them.

And spend it on those who love you for you.

That’s it.

❤

Running on my mind

Running and me go way back.

The first time I remember running and actually enjoying it was in fifth grade when I made the 4×100 relay event for the local elementary school. I had the time of my life being selected as one of the “fast kids.”

The next school year my parents got us involved in club track with USATF along with competing for our middle schools. Most of that is a blur but during that time I became one of the fastest kids in my city and broke all kinds of PR’s. I also got talked into running cross country by my parents. I had sworn up and down that I was a sprinter and occasionally did long jump. Cross country was out of the question completely. My parents promised my just one cross country race and that was it, that eventually turned into 8+ years of running cross country in club, high school, and in college.

I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t run cross country in high school, so thank you mom and dad for challenging me and knowing that I was capable of more than I thought I was. High school track and cross country gave me some of the best memories of my life. It taught me to have confidence in myself and that I can do hard things. I met so many great friends, ran at some amazing races, and became the district champion for my district in the 3000 meter my senior year. When I graduated, I was a two-time state track meet qualifier and a four-year cross-country state meet qualifier. I even got a scholarship to run for a private Christian university in Portland Oregon.

That first cross-country season was one of my best regarding times. I was being pushed by my coach to my limits and seeing great results. I also had some amazing friends and support from my sister and parents. After a cross country season where I finished as the fastest girl on my team and two spots away from qualifying for the NAIA cross country championships, we (my twin sister and the rest of the team) found out that our college was going to shut down in the spring due to low funding. My coach told us that he would update us over the winter break on his plans. One day over break my sister and I got a phone call from our coach, where he told us that we weren’t the type of people that he wanted on his team next year. He spent the next 15 minutes gaslighting my sister and I to believe that we were awful teammates, athletes and people.

You could say that was hard.

My sister and I went to campus after break to collect our things and move back home where we would attend community college and run attached that track season at any meet that would take us. I was running great times and still putting in the work, I wanted to continue running in college by next fall.

We reached out to Western Oregon University, a school that we had blown off during our college visits senior year, to see if they had room on their team. Coach Mike Johnson was very understanding and welcoming to both of us. Growing up I always felt like the extra side of fries that you get for a meal. My sister was the main dish, and I was the add on. Coach Johnson never made me feel that way. Those three years were challenging but three of the best years of my life. I ran my PR’s during those years, challenged myself, met my best friends, and fell more in love with running.

Then June of 2012 came, and so did the end of my collegiate career. After my last meet my dad and I stood outside of the track in silence. We both were looking at the track in awe when he said, “so this is it huh?” to which I responded with “yup.” That was the end. No more early morning practices and daily doubles, no more workouts and blisters, running was over.

I wish there was a course provided by the NCAA or colleges for athletes who graduate from college where they can get support and find out other opportunities post-graduation. That moment when your career ends is earth shattering. More support and guidance would have been wonderful, but since there was none, I was left to navigate it on my own.

After graduation I ran a few times here and there but wasn’t training for anything specific. It wasn’t until the day of the Boston Marathon in 2013 when I decided that I needed to do something more with myself and my running. My sister and I signed up the next day for the Portland Marathon in October with our longest long run under our belt being 13 miles.

The story of my first marathon is a long one, and one that I can save for another time. After that marathon I went through a five-year cycle of occasionally running for a month or two and racing directly after. It wasn’t until the spring of 2018 when I decided to train for a half marathon on the fourth of July. That half marathon ended the way Portland did, with me in the med tent.

Following that half marathon, I ran a 5k in 2018 and another one a year later. Both at around 7:25 mile pace and both first in my age group. Both races were so much fun, so why did I stop?

Comparison. It is an ugly thing and has been the biggest problem throughout the last twenty years of my running career. Comparison told me that I needed to stop running because I was not fast enough. Comparison told me that people were running 6 miles when I was only running 4. Comparison told me to just stop while I was behind. To be honest, I’m ready to be over the comparison and ready to run for me.

Here I am now. 32 years old and 20 years into my running career and feeling that itch again. Honestly, it has been going on for a few months now, just ask my friends who have helped me navigate my worries and fears around running…shoutout to Nicole and Amanda…there for me in college and there for me now.

I have a few goals in mind, one might be to run another marathon some day since my first did not go as planned. For now, there’s a 10k that I enjoy doing that will be ran in July that I am going to be training for. After that, I want to run a half marathon a year from now.

After that, I’m not sure, who knows where I will be.

But this is me, putting my goals out there and knowing that I am ready for this.

I know that I am not going to be going to the Olympics. I know that I may not be running 7:00 minute miles like I did when I was 22. I know that I am a different runner than when I was 22. I have had cancer, two babies, and have put my body through so much during these last 10 years.

And honestly, I am ok with that.

I am 32 and am so incredibly strong the way I am. I am so excited to get back to the sport that taught me everything I know about life. The sport that gave me my best friends. The sport that gave me my husband and my life. The sport that challenged me to do more than I ever thought possible.

I am excited to start this new relationship with an old friend next week.

This is me, putting my goals out there and knowing that it may be hard.

This is me being excited to push my body and to fall back in love with my favorite sport.

This is me running again.

It’s going to be so fun.

❤

I’m feeling 2022

If you read that title as 20-22 to the tune of 22 by Taylor Swift, congrats, you win.

You don’t actually win something, sorry, I just love a good Taylor Swift pun.

Almost as much as I love setting resolutions in the new year.

Do I always stick to these resolutions, not always. There’s just something about a new start and new goals to get the year started on the right foot.

Setting goals does not have to be something done specifically in the new year, but if the new year is the thing you need to get started on something you’ve always wanted to do, then so be it.

Personally, I love the idea of having a clean start to something, and new years is the perfect time to start something new.

In the last couple of years I also started setting a word for the year.

In 2019 I set my word of the year as “pursue” which helped remind me to pursue my dream of writing a book. It reminded me in those moments of where I had no motivation to push on towards pursuing my dreams. Honestly, 2019 was my favorite year in recent memory.

This year I set my word as “present” to really focus on being present with my family as we grew closer to growing our family, and to really be present in the first six months of his life.

This year was hard, I go back and forth on how I actually feel about it.

If I had to be honest, the first six months sucked.

I spent more time during those six months crying than I did in any other year of my life.

My family spent the first few months working with our sweet dog Marlo to help her through her health struggles. We payed extra close attention to her and her needs. I spent many nights cuddled up next to her while she was sleeping whispering things to her. Begging her to stay until the new baby came, to telling her that we were ok, that I didn’t want her to struggle anymore and if she needed to go it was ok.

She told us it was time to go on March 1st.

A week later I was met with a pretty hard situation that took up the next three months.

This situation was met with anxiety, depression, anger, hurt, regret, and negativity.

I saw so many things in my life take a hit. I found myself shutting down because it was easier than facing any sort of emotion.

June became a month of hope.

June provided me with rest, sunshine, family time, and my sweet baby boy Maxwell.

Maxwell was exactly what my family needed, he was exactly what I needed.

It was hard at first.

One day after he was born we found out that he had some pretty bad Jaundice, which had him in a little tank for 24 hours.

We also found out that my kidney levels were pretty bad, I spent the day after he was born getting 30 different tubes of blood drawn, CT scan’s, ultrasounds, and every bit of worst case scenario you could imagine.

We ended up leaving the hospital after four days.

I told the hospital that I had to get back to my oldest son and that I would continue my tests at home.

Life with two kids was hard at first, but honestly it’s been the biggest blessing I could ever imagine.

Maxwell is sweet, strong, curious, talkative, and loving.

He is the best thing that came out of this year hands down.

The rest of the year went by so incredibly fast, maybe that’s what having a baby does.

I really found my confidence after having Max.

I began working out again and finding my strength.

I discovered a style that made me confident.

I worked through hard situations with grace and strength and came out better.

I think that’s the most important thing we can do at the end of every year.

Look back on the previous year, truly recognize what went wrong, what went right, and what we could have done better.

We also need to praise ourself when it’s due.

Recognize when we grew.

Recognize that what we went through might have been hard, but that we worked so hard to get through it.

Meet the end of the year praising ourselves.

Give thanks for the version of us that entered the year and the version that meets us in our reflection at the end of it.

Looking at the new year, I find myself hopeful.

I find myself clear on my goals and what I want from the new year.

And that is to just be.

Be present, be powerful, be kind, be patient, be aware, be confident.

Just to be the best version of myself.

It may seem weird, but it came to me in the shower the other night.

My word for this year is “be” with the idea that I have no desired path for this year other than to just be whatever it brings.

This word made me more mindful of my resolutions for this year as well.

Resolutions that were manageable and reasonable, so that I could still be whatever version of myself that this year required.

I want to read more, specifically one book every month.

The first seven of those books being the Harry Potter series.

I have always wished that I had read these books growing up and constantly find myself saying “this will be the year I start reading them.” I figured why not start it now. The other five months will consist of whatever books I decide to read.

I want to journal.

I have always hoped that I could be the person who journaled, but never made the time to do so. I will be adding it into my daily routine so that I can reflect back on my thoughts and feelings after they pass.

I want to keep blogging.

I have already stated this in my previous post, but stating it again will help remind me of the desire I have to continue to blog throughout the year. Blogging is therapeutic to me. It helps me process my thoughts. I have also met some awesome people through it and have had people reach out to me after reading a post relating to the words I’ve typed.

I want to continue to be healthy and fit.

While the specifics of this goal remain private, because this is my own personal journey, I want to continue to workout and meet that with better eating habits. I have fallen in love with my peloton strength classes, bike classes, and treadmill classes. These workouts give me confidence and strength while also being fun. Fun is the most important part honestly.

Those are it, those are the four goals I have set for this year.

While four may not seem like a lot, they are four goals that I can focus on.

Why overload myself with too many goals, when I can find four that I want to stick with.

I’m really looking forward to 2022.

I am looking forward to hopefully returning to more of a normal life.

To Maxwell turning 1 and Ian starting kindergarten.

To finishing off the school year at a job where I finally feel like I belong.

To new beginnings and adventures with Jason.

To making memories with my family.

I picked this title because I truly am feeling the new year.

It’s the first time in a while that I truly do feel hopeful and optomistic.

I hope this year brings you happiness.

I hope that if you find yourself in a tough situation, that you can come out stronger.

I hope that you meet your resolutions with stride, and that you find purpose in something.

And I hope Taylor Swift gives us Speak Now and 1989 Taylor’s version.

Cheers to 2022.

❤

this is me trying.

I am so mad at myself.

Well maybe not mad, just disappointed.

I’ve written 7 blog posts in the last two years.

This may not seem like anything to you, or maybe you don’t care.

To me, this is upsetting.

Especially when the last post I wrote was from a year ago where I wrote about how much I miss writing and how I will be doing it from here on out.

And I didn’t.

There are 18 days left of 2021 and I haven’t written anything.

I’m mad.

I’m annoyed.

This was my outlet; this was my place to write about anything my heart desired.

A place to ramble on about whatever I wanted.

It was my corner of the internet.

And I’ve neglected it.

I could sit here and make excuses.

I could tell you that we lost our dog on March 1st, and that the next two months were kind of a blur.

I could tell you that I gave birth to the best little snuggle bug on June 25th and it has been an adjustment with two kids.

I could say that a year ago I started my dream career and in October I went back in full in person school and it was a whirlwind.

I could tell you that I am in the middle of grad school and that I don’t graduate until June of 2023.

All of those things are true, and they are reasons as to why I have been busy, but they are not reasons as to why I didn’t write anything this year.

It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to write about, I just didn’t want to write.

I lost my spark for it.

I wish I didn’t.

But sometimes we lose the spark for things we once had.

Sometimes things that set our soul on fire don’t anymore.

I wish I could sit here and say that the spark is magically back.

I wish I could go on about how the fire is back and I am so motivated to write every day.

But that’s not reality.

I will tell you that I want to write.

I want to be able to put into words how I’m feeling.

I want to rank all of Taylor Swift’s albums.

I want to write about a killer morning routine or what I’m loving at the moment.

I want to write instead of sitting and processing things internally like I’ve been doing.

I want all of these things.

And lucky for me, I was raised by two people who taught me that anything I want is possible with hard work and dedication.

Two people who raised me to believe that I was capable of anything.

So here I am to tell you that I want to keep writing, that I am going to try and keep writing.

I have no goals, no plans, but I really want to have this space again.

I am going to be realistic about how much I can do and if I can really sit down and write.

Sometimes we lose our spark, and that’s ok.

If we lose interest in something, we can find something else that gives us joy.

And if we miss our little spark, we can try to take baby steps to get it back.

Admit your faults, write a vulnerable blog post, commit to trying.

Know that those who love you and what you do will love you no matter what.

So in the words of my girl Taylor Swift, this is me trying.

❤

Begin again

I wish I knew a perfect way to start this, but sadly that isn’t the case today.

I really miss having a creative outlet, something I never knew I needed until four years ago. I never saw myself as a “creative” person growing up. Growing up, sports were more of my thing. I was awful at drawing or any other arts and craft activity, therefore I assumed that creativity wasn’t something I was born with.

I developed a love for creative writing in my first creative writing course during my senior year in college, yes it was late in life but it was the first real opportunity I had to explore that world.

I’ve told this story a million times before but I had started blogs off and on in the past but deleted them in fear of someone finding them. It wasn’t until late October of 2016 after my son Ian was born and my best friend inspired me with her blog that I had decided to start something I had wanted to do for so long.

I now sit here after four years of having this blog and 103 (now 104) published blog posts all about my life, wondering how to start again.

Back in December 2018 I had this strong desire to complete my biggest life goal, and that was to write my very first book. I decided to step away from my blog and focus all of my energy on my book. I was able to finish writing the rough draft of my book in June, and get it out to the public in December of 2019. After finishing my book I was left completely drained and had nothing left in my tank of stories and lessons.

I wrote two blog posts in 2019 while I was writing my book, and have written three blog posts so far this year. The flame I had for writing had gone out, and I found myself not wanting to get it back.

I know that happens to everyone, you have this passion in life and one day it almost disappears. Especially in 2020, nothing is off limits. It’s common to get comfortable with being content with where you’re at in life, it’s common to not want want to put effort into anything except those things that you have to. Your once creative outlet or passion you once had in life is gone because you let the flame go out with no desire to start it back up.

I’ve been searching for a creative outlet since this time last year wanting to share my thoughts with the world once again, but could never find anything that felt right.

My husband has always been extremely supportive with any crazy ideas of goals that I have. I’ve expressed this concern with him recently and he always brings me back to my blog. He understands how passionate I was about it and how much effort I put into it. He knew that it was a great outlet for me when I was just writing what I wanted and not focusing on what I thought other people wanted to read.

Since taking an unofficial break from blogging my life has changed in a relatively drastic way. I decided to start a journey I swore I would never do and that was to get my Masters degree. I never saw myself pursuing higher education than necessary because I never had a dream career that required more education. Until some tough events with people close to me brought me to realize that I had a love for helping others.

In January of 2020 I started my Masters of Education in School Counseling degree with plans to finish by June of 2023. I also as of recently, began a new career as a middle school counselor at a local middle school. Leaving a school that I absolutely loved and felt so comfortable at was pretty hard to say the least and terrifying at times, but starting a new career that I am extremely passionate about overtook the fear of the unknown.

Life has been crazy and completely unexpected this year for me, and for everyone I know, in true 2020 fashion. If you would have told me at the beginning of this year I would be going back to school and switching careers I would not have believed you. I had other goals and none of them really consisted of growing professionally. I call it maturity but you can call it adulting, maybe they’re the same thing.

I guess that brings me back to this post, and my blog as a whole. It’s something that is so special to me and something that I’ve worked hard to create. I’ve grown as a person, mom, friend, and wife since having this blog. I have grown to be more self aware and even began repairing a friendship that wasn’t as strong as it should have been. I have also met people through this outlet who I have an insane amount of things in common with. Beyond Twenty Something was a big part of my life for four years, and I look forward to keeping it that way for the years to come.

Take this as my official pledge to begin blogging again. To not trying to do too much at once, and to focus my heart and soul on this corner of the internet that I’ve created. To continue to grow my favorite little creative outlet and to share it with as many people as I can.

I plan on posting once a week and changing the types of posts that I do. Don’t worry, if you like my oversharing life stories, I will for sure keep those ups. I just also want to tackle things that other people struggle with and fun pieces that aren’t super serious and can open up fun conversations.

So thank you for sticking around for this entire post or for the four years of this blog. I am excited for the next journey in blogging.

❤

Sunshine and anxiety

 

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I haven’t talked about my anxiety much on my blog. I wrote about it in my book I published this last December but I haven’t written about it publicly on my blog.

I have anxiety, something I always kind of figured I had but didn’t want to ever try and get help for. It wasn’t until February of last year when it got really bad that I decided to try and talk to someone and get help.

I’m definitely not 100 percent but I’m so much better than when I started my journey to get better.

Lately I’ve been working overtime to battle my anxiety.

With everything going on in the world it’s really challenging to fight the negative thoughts in your mind.

When school first got cancelled for two weeks and our track season was put on hold I was devastated to say the least. I was completely crushed for my athletes and a losing a part of my life that I loved so much for a few weeks.

I had so many negative thoughts literally trying to force their way into my mind. It was such a strange feeling. Negative thoughts in mind while my heart was trying to tell myself to be positive.

I now find myself sitting in a position where I’m hanging on the edge of my seat waiting to see if our track season can continue and my life can start getting back to normal, and I genuinely believe that it will and that we will get a small bit of a track season in the end.

I’m not just saying that, and I may be one of the few people with positive thoughts left but it’s completely true.

It’s hard to truly believe something in your heart when your anxiety is trying to fight back with negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’m having this internal battle that my mind is working overtime to beat.

I’ve been doing pretty good considering the circumstances. I am able to continue my grad school work, work for my job, workout, and care for my amazing family.

But today I was struggling.

I was a little yesterday too.

Not completely sure why I found myself with this awful headache and bad thoughts.

In the midst of my work this morning I found it trying to sneak it’s way back in, I decided to sweat it out.

Not like I normally do however, I wanted to take it outside.

I have these giant doors leading to the backyard in my bedroom. I could see the bright blue sky and sun shining bright, something took over and told me to do my workout in the backyard.

I ran outside with my spotify playlist, workout mat, and dog to get started.

I was having a great workout and sweating my face off.

I had all these thoughts like “see Megan all you needed was your workout” and “fresh air fixes everything.”

At the end I decided to stretch like I usually do, except afterwards I was drawn to lay down on my mat.

I found this little pocket of sunshine and found it hitting my face.

I continued to lay there with the warm sun on my face and nothing but the music in my ear with thoughts running through my mind.

It felt like the montage at the climactic point in a movie.

All of a sudden I saw my college track days of running down the track in the heat with my best friend.

I saw myself laughing on the sidelines with my hurdlers.

I saw myself running down the country roads near my old house.

I saw track meets and smiles.

The wind picked up and ran across my face and I actually smiled.

I’m not making that up to sound cheesy it actually happened.

Happiness came over me in that moment as I remembered what sunshine around this time of year usually meant. I was almost brought to tears with pure joy.

In that moment I remembered that I absolutely love the sunshine and sweat running down my face. I love feeling hotter than it actually was outside.

My intentions aren’t to flood you with positivity and messages of “appreciate your life and what you have now compared to others.”

My intentions are to remind you that negative thoughts are ok.

Trying to beat them is ok.

Smiling your face off while dancing to Dua Lipa in the backyard during your workout us ok.

I felt selfish for a moment. Why was I enjoying myself and smiling while some people are scared and worried, but I was reminded that it was ok.

All sorts of emotions are ok in a time like this.

You can be scared, nervous, happy, sad, anxious, excited.

Literally, it’s all ok.

This post was brought to you by sunshine and anxiety.

❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

29 Going On 30

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Woah…she’s finally here.

My thirties.

HOLD THE FREAKIN PHONE

How did I turn 30?!

Yesterday I was 22 and had just graduated college?!

When did I turn 30?!

I’m only kidding, I’ve been working on processing the fact that I’m turning 30 since I turned 29.

I knew this year had to be the best one yet.

I knew I had to go out of my twenties with a bang.

And boy did I.

I wrote and published my firsts book ever all about the lessons I learned in my twenties, as I was leaving them.

It was a beautiful and amazing process, but what the heck do I do now?

Maybe you’re wondering too?

“Like, this girl just spent the last year of her twenties writing a book, what will she do next?”

I honestly had no idea.

Everything that I’ve done the last 10 years I did as a twenty something.

Met my best friend, graduated college, met my husband, got engaged, got married, had my son, got my first big kid job, landed my current job, started coaching, wrote a book, started a podcast, started this blog.

I’ve been living the last ten years to the best of my ability only to get to 30 and wonder, what do i do next?

I tend to want to go all out when I do things.

Like if I’m going to dedicate my time, energy, and heart into something I’m going to be as extra as I can and go as hard as I can to get it done.

It’s just how I roll.

I’ve been thinking of different things I could to this year to make it special.

To go into 30 my absolute best and happiest self.

I’m a part of this Facebook group for a podcast that I listen to, and someone told a story of a 50 year old woman they met in a yoga class.

They mentioned that the woman was killing it in class, and that they had to find out more about her.

This woman who had just turned 50 said she was doing 50 new things that year, and that yoga class was one of them!

To say that I was impressed would be an understatement.

This woman had just turned 50 and was going to start doing something new, and not just one thing, 50 new things.

I was so inspired.

If she could do it, so could I!

I grabbed my notes app on my phone and started writing things down.

Things that I’ve always wanted to do.

Things that would definitely push me out of my comfort zone.

And we all know how much I don’t like doing that..

I’m challenging myself to do 30 new things this year.

I’m excited to start this new decade of my life trying new things and potentially creating new habits.

It’s also going to inspire 30 different blog posts, all on the new things I’m trying.

So here it goes….

30 for 30.

Meditate every day for 30 days straight
Buy a plant and keep it alive
Bike 30 miles..stationary bike that is.
Listen to a new genre of music
Try a new cuisine
Watch a Woody Allen movie
Try a new restaurant
Go to a museum near me
Learn how to change a tire
Take a dance class
Watch a TV series I’ve never seen
Go wine tasting
Get a tarot card reading
Eat a BLT…don’t skip the tomatoes
Do Yoga every day for 30 days straight
Learn how to do a hand stand
Make a Tik Tok
Finally get my dream purple hair sorry Mom
Cook something new
Go a week without straightening my hair
Grow my own vegetables
Go a week without social media
Start actually saving money
Write in my journal every single day
Learn how to swim….finally
Travel some place new
Go a month without buying coffee
Attempt to crochet
Build something
Further my education

Cheers to 30 ❤

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