If I had to point out my biggest flaw it would be that I am a control freak. I have to know what’s going on exactly when it’s going on. I try not to be too obsessive, because I know it’s not the healthiest thing in the world, but I find myself stressing out over the smallest things. The fact that the car in front of me is going too slow, or that I’m not early to work in the morning, because if I’m not early I’m late. I think that’s one main reason I hate flying, because I can’t see exactly what’s going on up front and have no control on if we hit turbulence or not..it’s either that or I watched too many episodes of lost.
Having a child has made me lose most of my control, I have to realize that life now goes according to this two week old little boy who’s asleep next to me. I usually love the chaos, taking it and making it go exactly how I want it to go, but this chaos is like nothing else. This little boy lets me know when he’s ready to do something or when he wants to be held and cuddled, don’t get me wrong I love the cuddling, but my life is now on his schedule.
I think where it really gets me is when it comes to cleaning my house. I love cleaning, seriously it’s ridiculous how much I love cleaning. I get all antsy when I can’t wipe down the tables or organize our dogs toys. I haven’t vacuumed in 18 days…18 days. That might seem normal to some people but to me I would have never imagined I would live in a world where I didn’t vacuum at least once a week. I haven’t stopped cleaning my house because I am lazy or spend most of my time walking around like a zombie covered in baby spit up, but because my doctor told me I had to limit my daily activities due to my c-section. I hate being limited, almost as much as I hate not having control of everything. I want to constantly be doing things, all of the things.
This makes me sound like a head case.
I just know what I like and know how I like it done, but newborns don’t care.
It’s hard telling myself to let it go, to not stress and to just handle things as they come up. Life is about living in the chaos, not controlling it. Especially with a baby making it more chaotic, I want to just laugh in the middle of him peeing on me mid diaper change, and that’s what I’ve done. It amazes me how fast I have let things go. The other night when my husband and I were changing his diaper Ian decided he wasn’t done. We went through five diapers because he just kept going. Jason and I looked at each other and just laughed, making a joke out of the moment. In 5 years when he can go to the bathroom by himself we will be able to look back at that night and just laugh and tease our son for that time he went through five diapers at four in the morning.
I find myself thinking about how easily stressed out I was before Ian came into my life and how the smallest things would get on my nerves. Now obviously things stress me out still, life is not unicorns and roses, but I find myself letting the small things go a lot easier. My morning cup of coffee gets cold, the kitchen floor doesn’t always get swept, and sometimes dishes pile up in the sink, and the beauty in that chaos is that it’s all okay. Life doesn’t always go as planned and sometimes you can’t obsessively clean like you want to clean, and that’s okay. I never thought that lesson would take me 26 years to learn, but it did, and I feel like I am much better because of it. I’m not naive, I know there will be hard times and that’s perfectly okay with me. Life isn’t always perfect, that’s what makes it so great.