I messed up.

 

Admitting that you’ve made a mistake is so hard, especially if your name is Megan and you always like to be right.

It’s hard, admitting fault, it means you have to be vulnerable and let someone know that you made a mistake, and I have such a hard time doing that.

But I’ve messed up.

I was starting my senior year in College and thought that at this stage in my life I would be completely confident in my own skin, but I was mistaken. I was waiting for that day that I would arrive on campus with my head held high, believing that I could take on anything and everything that year threw at me. I felt like something was missing, I couldn’t put my finger on it but I just knew I needed just one more thing, or person. I had an amazing family, an awesome sister, some great friends, and I was in the best shape of my running career. Still though, I felt like I wasn’t completely whole.

Our first day of Cross Country practice came and I just remember being so excited to get out there and show my coach how hard I had trained that summer. We had finished the workout and were doing some drills in the grass, when my coach told us that we had to find a partner. Now I absolutely hate picking partners. I usually just take the easy way out and pick my sister but she had already picked someone. I stared at the group of girls hoping someone would make eye contact with me and awkwardly smile to confirm our partnership.

She did.

I didn’t know her that well, except for that her voice was a little high pitched and I heard her call a creek a crick.We started doing the wheelbarrow drill, where you hold your partners by their ankles as they walk across the grass on their hands. I got distracted and the next thing I know I heard her yelling my name as the grass left a nice little dirt stain on her face. I had been dragging her across the grass for a good ten feet. I felt terrible, but I must have done something right because she kept wanting to be my partner for things. She also kept talking to me, laughing at my jokes, and wanting to hang out with me outside of practice.

Finally, I had found it.

Our bond was almost instant. I had never met a friend, besides my sister, that I bonded with that quickly. Her advice was my favorite. She would tell me if I needed to suck it up and stop worrying about what other people thought, or if I was making a really bad decision. She would comfort me when I was hurt and threaten to hurt anyone who hurt me.She was the type of friend that I wanted and needed. If I ever came to her upset and needed advice she would tell me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear. I will forever be grateful of that the most.

She was there by my side my whole senior year until graduation came. She was just starting her college adventure and I was ending mine. However, I only lived 30 minutes away and it was the easiest commute ever. I had no excuse to not see her.

We talked a lot during the summer. Had some Skype dates, wrote each other letters, and texted daily.

My life started getting a lot harder. I had gotten dumped by my college boyfriend, someone she was friends with, and honestly I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like that put her in a bad spot. I felt bad. I was looking for a job like crazy, and she was still trying to get college figured out. Our lives were going in two different directions, or so I thought, and I kept thinking I was too busy to send a text or make a call. And that was on me.

I know I’m a bad communicator sometimes, which makes absolutely no sense for someone who majored in Communication Studies, and that I suck at keeping in touch with people.

We’re still friends, I’ll still call her my best friend until I can’t anymore. I just feel like I really messed up. I’ve admitted it to her before, that I was so sorry for losing touch and that I would be better about it..but then I got engaged and married, and pregnant and kept making excuses.

When she told me she was moving 2000 miles away it broke my heart. I knew however that it was the best thing for her, and I was so incredibly proud of her. But I was so selfish in that moment. I instantly wished I had handled everything differently after college and wished I could have taken those two years back. I wished a million times that we were as close as we use to be. She might not know it, but that was one of the hardest things for me. Realizing that she wasn’t going to be just 30 minutes away. My biggest fear was that she was going to meet a new best friend and forget about me.

This person is one of the toughest people I have ever met. She is fierce, hilarious, and puts passion into everything she does. I look up to her so much.

It is so hard for me to admit I’m wrong, or that I’ve messed up, but I really did. I let my friendship go from something so strong to something I just did when I could. I want to get back to where it used to be and I hope it’s not too late.

When you have a good thing in your life don’t let it go. Whether it’s a friend, significant other, grandparent, anyone who you used to have contact with and may have lost it, go get it back. Even though it may require a bit of work and admitting that you were wrong it will always be worth it in the end.

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Yesterday I went for a run.

todayiwentforarun

I got a little bit of myself back yesterday.

It was the first time I was able to run in ten months, and I would be fooling myself if  I said that it was absolutely amazing and it felt like I had never stopped running. That the fresh air filled my lungs and fueled every step. Something filled my lungs alright, it was like Elsa went all ice queen down there.

I stepped outside my front door, watch in hand, ready to go. Honestly, just that felt great, to have my running clothes on and my watch around my wrist, a sense of normalcy rushed through me. My running shoes were still loose from the last time I wore them, at nine months pregnant with ankles the size of apples…very large apples. I took a deep breath right before I pressed “start” and took off on my run. I started out a little too fast, in typical Megan fashion, and felt it by the time I got to the crosswalk.

I cannot express how happy I was to get to the crosswalk 400 meters in. I’m normally that runner that takes advantages of crosswalks for a quick break, and today those 15 seconds did not last long enough. It was a beautiful fall afternoon, which made the run a little easier. For a second I would forget how cold it was and pretend that it was late August. I ran that same road with one of my favorite athletes before her senior year. She was struggling, dry heaving the entire way down the long and grueling stretch. I had to convince her multiple times to keep going, and she did. By the time we ended the season she could run that stretch of road easily. I kept reminding myself of that athlete, and that it’s only a run they get easier the more you do them. She definitely helped me on this one.

I kept looking at my watch, hoping that first mile would come faster. I had set a goal to run three miles, so at that glorious mile and a half mark I could turn around. I told myself that if I made it that far I could stop for a couple of minutes and catch my breath. At one point I saw a cop car and thought to myself, “I mean if I am really struggling I guess they could help me?”

It was now time to head back home, I kept thinking about my hydro flask I had just filled up and was waiting for me. I’m not sure what it is but I’ve always thought that the last part of an out and back run feels so much faster than the first part. I just kept repeating that in my mind, over and over again, until my legs were moving a little faster.

Every time I felt the slightest bit of doubt I would try and motivate myself in any way I could..

Megan you ran all of those hard workouts in College, you can get through this.

Did you stop after you fell during the last home stretch of your marathon? No! So finish now!

You had a kid, seriously suck it up.

At last, that wonderful crosswalk that I swear had a halo around it, was back in my sight. This time I let it go through one full cycle of traffic so I could catch my breath for the last home stretch. I thought of my husband and my son at home, and that gave me fire I needed to kick it in.

I like to sit outside after I run. It helps me catch my breath and reflect on my run, but mainly to not look like a sweaty mess before I go inside. I sat outside a little bit longer on this one. I was really proud of myself, for getting out there and doing it. Ten months had passed since I had really gone on a run, and I had been dreaming about this moment since the summer. Imagining the day where I could run, even walk, without getting winded and needing to slow down.

Then I thought to myself, yeah I am super proud of myself and the fact that I got out there and did it. But I wasn’t satisfied.

I wanted to be faster and be able to run more miles. I knew that this run was just the beginning of the long journey to get back to where I used to be . I know it’s going to be hard, and it might hurt, but I couldn’t be happier to keep going. Here’s to working towards your dreams even though you know it’s going to be tough, and looking forward to the pain.

Fall foliage.

leaves

“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall” F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I always come back to this quote in the fall time, I love it. The first time I saw it floating around on Pinterest I thought to myself, “I love fall, and this quote is about fall so it’s perfect for this picture caption on Instagram.” Somehow it kept coming up, one way or another as the years passed. I would always think about it, wondering if there was more to it that I wasn’t really thinking about.

Every year things change. They come to an end so brand new things can begin. New adventures start creating new memories and we say goodbye to the old ones. I am reminded of this every day as I open Facebook and check the “on this day” section. Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with emotion as I see a status about singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs with my sister as we drove to school, or about my Cross Country team traveling to apple ridge for the conference meet. Memories that, at the time you really don’t think about and appreciate for everything they are. Don’t get me wrong, I try to enjoy everything as it happens and appreciate the little things, but you really don’t realize how much you will miss something until it’s gone.

Just the other day I was thinking about my first college up in Portland. It was beautiful, especially in the fall. I was so incredibly nervous, I was an hour away from home, which for me was a huge deal because I was so close to my family. I remember so many little things like blowing up my espresso machine with my sister, and driving my boyfriends car 70 blocks with the emergency break on and not realizing it until I smelt smoke.I miss the 20 feet I had to walk from my dorm to the building where we had classes and how peaceful those twenty seconds were. I loved how small and close everything was. I miss that place, I have always wanted to go back just to look at what remains.

I especially miss my second college and that small town. Looking at that special track every day as I walked to class. Getting coffee from my favorite spot with just a splash of cream and peppermint to remind me of Christmas. I miss my best friend, I feel like I met her way too late in life. I learned lessons from her that definitely would have helped earlier.

That year after college, that was a hard one. Living at home which was away from all of my friends felt like the end of the world but it was definitely one of my favorite points in life. I was having the hardest time looking for a job, I had just got dumped, and I was really struggling. It was in that time that I started coaching, met my husband, got the job that I have had now for almost four years, and was best friends with my dad. Every morning we would walk my dog at the high school nearby and just talk. It was when I moved out that I realized how incredibly thankful I was that I had that time with him, I think those moments are why I feel so close to him now. That year definitely was my favorite, it was a year that had started out feeling like the end of the world. Yet, just like the fall, it ended and started something new. A new year, new memories and new adventures.

 Lately I have been reminiscing on old times and missing the small things that made memories that will last a lifetime. As the fall begins I look back at how every year things end so new things could begin. It really is a beautiful process. All of these memories I have are just that, memories, and this fall I am creating new ones. Five years from now as I drop my son off at kindergarten I guarantee you I will cry like the biggest baby ever in the car missing these days when he was curled up in a ball asleep on my chest. That process will never end, every year I will miss things as they come to an end, but be so grateful that I get to create new memories. I think that’s why I love the fall season so much, because it reminds me that no matter what ends in life, new things will always begin.

Let it go, let it go.

If I had to point out my biggest flaw it would be that I am a control freak. I have to know what’s going on exactly when it’s going on. I try not to be too obsessive, because I know it’s not the healthiest thing in the world, but I find myself stressing out over the smallest things. The fact that the car in front of me is going too slow, or that I’m not early to work in the morning, because if I’m not early I’m late. I think that’s one main reason I hate flying, because I can’t see exactly what’s going on up front and have no control on if we hit turbulence or not..it’s either that or I watched too many episodes of lost.

 Having a child has made me lose most of my control, I have to realize that life now goes according to this two week old little boy who’s asleep next to me. I usually love the chaos, taking it and making it go exactly how I want it to go, but this chaos is like nothing else. This little boy lets me know when he’s ready to do something or when he wants to be held and cuddled, don’t get me wrong I love the cuddling, but my life is now on his schedule.

I think where it really gets me is when it comes to cleaning my house. I love cleaning, seriously it’s ridiculous how much I love cleaning. I get all antsy when I can’t wipe down the tables or organize our dogs toys. I haven’t vacuumed in 18 days…18 days. That might seem normal to some people but to me I would have never imagined I would live in a world where I didn’t vacuum at least once a week. I haven’t stopped cleaning my house because I am lazy or spend most of my time walking around like a zombie covered in baby spit up, but because my doctor told me I had to limit my daily activities due to my c-section. I hate being limited, almost as much as I hate not having control of everything. I want to constantly be doing things, all of the things.

This makes me sound like a head case.

I just know what I like and know how I like it done, but newborns don’t care.

It’s hard telling myself to let it go, to not stress and to just handle things as they come up. Life is about living in the chaos, not controlling it. Especially with a baby making it more chaotic, I want to just laugh in the middle of him peeing on me mid diaper change, and that’s what I’ve done. It amazes me how fast I have let things go. The other night when my husband and I were changing his diaper Ian decided he wasn’t done. We went through five diapers because he just kept going. Jason and I looked at each other and just laughed, making a joke out of the moment. In 5 years when he can go to the bathroom by himself we will be able to look back at that night and just laugh and tease our son for that time he went through five diapers at four in the morning.

I find myself thinking about how easily stressed out I was before Ian came into my life and how the smallest things would get on my nerves. Now obviously things stress me out still, life is not unicorns and roses, but I find myself letting the small things go a lot easier. My morning cup of coffee gets cold, the kitchen floor doesn’t always get swept, and sometimes dishes pile up in the sink, and the beauty in that chaos is that it’s all okay. Life doesn’t always go as planned and sometimes you can’t obsessively clean like you want to clean, and that’s okay. I never thought that lesson would take me 26 years to learn, but it did, and I feel like I am much better because of it. I’m not naive, I know there will be hard times and that’s perfectly okay with me. Life isn’t always perfect, that’s what makes it so great.